A remote control is all you need... if all you want is to change channel.

(rated M for Mature content: contains naughty words and ideas)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we witnessed the world's smallest swan-diver jumping into a lake, painted a tin of paint, and discovered the best song to listen to if you're on a holiday with seven different people, two of them male, near the beach (but not too close to the beach) and within walking distance of a gelati shop.

And coming up today: we show you how cozy you can get for 50c per day, walk into a bear trap without getting hurt, and talk to a printer who has lost his job.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 64: HAPPY END!

I

First up, I - wait, happy end? What the hell is happy end? ...anyway. On with it.

II

You are reading this because you are mistaken. Obviously you believe that this blog actually says something. Still, I can't blame you for trying.

III

One more week lies ahead of me, and seven straight hours of class lie behind me. I'm looking forward to the former and I'm greatly relieved about the latter. I'm also hoping that I'll soon be able to yell out BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES and get away with it.

IV

I know you want to see my latest work of poetry. But you can't. Not yet. Give it a little bit, because I'm holding it back for a bit. I'm trying to put every strength of ounce I have into creating my paper world. Paper worlds are good places to go, but you need to avoid erasers and remember to drop in on the real world every so often.

V

I have a playlist. I call it "Melbourne". It is not about Melbourne. It is about my Melbourne.

VI

No mobiles. No Walkmans. None of that, or any of the others. Signed, Bernard L. Black.

VII

-Better give me a nine iron.

-Come on, sir, this isn't the golf war.

VIII

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Coming soon on the CJ Curry Experience: once-in-a-lifetime stream-of-consciousness episode! I will simply type what I think about, even if it's button-mashing or kitten-keyboarding. What? Erm, button-mashing is hitting the same key over and over. Kitten-keyboarding is letting a cat loose on my keyboard.

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IX

low light

soft music

fluffy rug

beanbag

headphones optional

video game or something distracting

ok, i'm ready. the atmosphear is good.

time for my paper world.

X

I still remember my old room...

XI

You will see worried looks on my face. Don't panic. I'm not worried. I'm a bit like Dr. Strangelove that way.

XII

It feels like every time I have everything worked out OK, along comes a catalyst.

XIII

Ahhhhhhhh...

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we retract a generic statement, show the world what it's like to be a piece of cheese (Axis wanted me to say that), and show you how to dismantle a yoghurt.

Is a horse a home?

(rated M for Mature content: contains boring explanations not suitable for kiddies. go away, under-18s)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we trekked through the forests of the Nullarbor, and showed you all the potential hazards of misspelling words with the letters P and H in them (particularly the word "herpahs").

And coming up today: we look at the world's largest collection of pocket lint, chat with the inventor of the remote control and the potato chip, and discuss the merits of using one's bellybutton.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 63: SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE

So. You know me. You know my signs. Here they are, fresh for your disjoyment. Please remember to read them in a variety of styles and fonts.

• PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS SIGN (This was vandalised a few days later when my RA wrote "OK" underneath.)
• MAKE ME A SANDWICH! (This was for anyone to make me a sandwich. I can't make good sandwiches.)
• IF YOU CAN READ THIS SIGN, YOU ARE STANDING TOO CLOSE. (If you can read this writing, you are reading too close.)
• YOU JUST LOST THE GAME (I'm not sorry. I'm really not.)
• ∫e^x = f(u_n) (An oldie, but a goodie.)
• JUST DON'T DO IT. (Take that, Nike.)
• I AM THE PERSONIFICATION OF YOUR DOOM. (Too true. Especially where I live.)
• THAT'S TOO NAUGHTY (Whatever you're doing, stop. It's naughty.)
• THIS IS THE EVIL LAIR OF OCEAN BIRD (Ocean bird? We associate seas with oceans, and one type of bird is a jay. Sea Jay. Full credit to my friend J for that one.)
  
• THE TRIANGLES ARE SQUARES (graffitied over with "And you are a circle". Curse you.)
• YOU JUST GOT SIEGE'D. (Pronounce my name, but leave out the "ay".)
• don't tell the ghosts that I'm here (Again, graffitied with "I don't have to tell them. They already know you are here... Hehehe... >.<" with a drawing resembling a munchkin holding a tooth.)
• If you knock on my door and I'm not in, or I don't answer, then what you wanted wasn't that important. (Poor. Very poor.)
• YOU ARE NOW ENTERING THE ZONE OF CJ. WARNING: MAY CONTAIN GRAPHIC CONTENT. (Much like this blog.)
• You are here. (Can't argue with that... although some have tried.)
• ROOM 12CF Version: 2.0. INHABITANT BITES. HAVE YOU HAD YOUR RABIES SHOT? (Careful.)
• I WANT PIE (I always want pie. Someone put an "RRE" at the end. Stupid-head.)
• I like you. Can we be friends? (Please yes please?)
• IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME (Tell me you don't know where this comes from. I dare you.)
• INSERT HUMOUROUS ONELINER HERE (Be creative!)
• FEED ME (Because I always need more feeding.)
• you fascinate me (And you always have.)
• SIGN-MAKING THESE DAYS IS NOT ONLY OVERRATED, IT'S ALSO BLOODY DIFFICULT. ESPECIALLY COMING UP WITH FRESH IDEAS. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED WRITING SIGNS FOR THREE MONTHS, THEN STRUGGLED TO COME UP WITH AN IDEA? WELL, THAT'S HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW. OUT OF FRESH THOUGHTS. STILL, I DERIVE SOME PLEASURE KNOWING THAT YOU'RE STILL READING THIS GARBAGE, EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING CONSTRUCTIVE IN ANY WAY. YOU JUST GOT DUPED BY C.J, AND, LET'S FACE IT, THAT'S JUST BAD. (I genuinely wrote all that.)
• HI. (Short, to the point, and liked by many people.)
• Inside here, you will find: -rainbows -earthworms -microscopic hummingbirds (From Black Moth Super Rainbow.)
• DO NOT TOUCH THIS SIGN. (Nobody graffitied over this one.)
• beans. (this was later added to: "I'll give them to you." then added to again: "let me show you them". Both of those were CJ-authorised.)
• DO YOU HAVE A HALL PASS? (Very few people did...)
• MINE IS THE DRILL THAT WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS! (Look this one up yourself.)
• you. yes, you. you are on 12C. deal. (That's where I live.)
• THE BLACK LAGOON - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. (People still entered. I never heard from them again...)
• I'm on a horse. (Old Spice FTW.)

Buh-bye now.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we prove to you that the entire blog is completely canon and all crazy. We also show you the value of retconning everything.

Horrifyingly deliberate precision!

(rated M for Mature content: contains the word "mindfuck" at least once)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we drove through camel-infested swamps in the Sahara, showed you fifty new things to do with a remote control, and threw ourselves off London Bridge.

And coming up today: we take a trip to the Congo, where we will learn how to make badgers, sing hymns through vuvuzelas, and camouflage ourselves as waterfalls.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 62: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE?

People saw me in colour! Instead of in black and black, like I'm usually dressed, over the weekend I was dressed in blue and green and yellow and red and orange and purple and white and black and pink and sky blue and beige and chartreuse and off-white and gold and mauve and scarlet and grey and brown and blood red and heliotrope and cyan and magenta and violet and indigo and ao and lavender and lemon and lilac and sepia and burgundy and flame and ghost white and electric blue and #6anana and Kelly green and turquoise and royal blue and mahogany and flax and aquamarine and crimson and verdigris and azure and jade and silver and moccasin and Mountbatten pink and neon and tangerine and black.

I had icecream! Can you say VA-NI-LLA?

I can hear all of you out there. You're messing with my thoughts. You are very fucky people.

I'd like to quickly talk now about Metcards. This species, once amazingly abundant, has now had its life placed under threat. The recent Australian introduction of its natural predator, the Myki, has led to a sharp decrease in Metcard numbers. Personally, I have collected over 100 examples of this fine species, to save them from absolute extinction. However, extinction is still imminent, and despite these warnings, humans are still attempting to make the Myki thrive. You can save the Metcard by logging on to www.savethemetcard.biz and registering yourself as a Myki opposer. BYO Guy Fawkes mask. A Metcard's life is worth every cent you invest in this venture.

In no particular order, here are:

• Au Revoir Simone
• Yppah
• A Man Called Adam
• Aphex Twin
• Harry Nilsson
• Art Of Noise
• Robyn
• Mr. Scruff

And in no other particular order, here are:

• bricks
• hair
• streams of consciousness
• biscuits
• word association
• noise complaints
• ooze
• a barcode

Australia has a federal election coming up. We have elections evely day and evely night. (apologies to everyone who invented that joke) There is a big one coming up on August 21. (Holy fuck, I'm going to be OLD by then!) I want to clarify that I don't want any more political bullshit shoved up my snoot. God knows I get enough of it in Curryland.

Oh, yeah. It's been pointed out that Curryland could be a metaphor for my current living conditions. I call bullshit (mainly because I'm the guy writing it in the first place). Allow me to explain: The Empire of Curryland is an actual country. It's a small island in the Pacific, shaped roughly like a cloud. It has a population of some 1,500,000 people, all heavily clustered together in a space called MySpace. It has many of the world's biggest advances in technology, such as the dodecahydraulic engine, the hexagrammic quantum computer, and a rapper who is actually good. I live in the north-west. If you want to talk to me, just call Curryland and ask to speak to James. My name's not James, you say? Well, I didn't say it was.

It's been a while since I've talked about aeroplanes. In fact, it's been a while since one flew overhead. Aeroplanes fly overhead so often that you don't even notice them. But I guess that's quite normal for someone in my position OH MY GOD THERE GOES ONE NOW AEROPLANE AEROPLANE A E R O P L A N E!!!!!

what is in my subconscious WHAT THE HELL IS IN MY SUBCONSCIOUS

...ahem. While I recover from my spiral dive into insanity, here is the most obvious colour that I have been wearing lately:

æneous, cæsious, eburnean, rubious, spadiceous, xanthic, purpureal, leucochroic, flammeous, cretaceous, cardinal, albugineous, sulphureous white.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we take the Oblique Strategies out for a spin, demonstrate a generic scientific experiment, and CJ interviews the new Canon Eos camera. Save the date!

I am not a metaphor!

(rated M for Mature content: contains course language - specifically, language about my Science course)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we jumped through a wormhole and ended up in 15th-century Russia, discovered edible chess, and found the answer to mankind's ultimate question of life: "Where the fuck do my socks go after I put them in the laundry?"

And coming up today: we show you how to make a radio out of a tin of ham and a blade of grass, get up close and personal with Ulysses, and give you ten tips on how to train your pet ghost.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 61: FALSE ADVERTISING IS OUR GAME

I look here at my nice, shiny new desk, with a calendar featuring nothing but owls and a potplant that seems to be made of some kind of rubber. I can't help thinking "I prefer the HTML laboratory. That was more fun". Then I realise that the HTML tags sting like crazy, I sit down in my cushy desk chair (it's a swivel chair and it has wheels!) and I blog.

I'm back for a fourth season. As always, I'd better inform my new reader(s) about who I am, and what I do.

I'm CJ. University student, athlete, gamer, blogger, and part-time extortionist. You have come to the wrong place if you want sympathy, advice, or a cookie. However, I will deal out free hugs to those who are willing.

I am your age. I am your height. I am your weight. I am your shoe size. I am my hat size. I have your IQ. I have at least two gadgets on my person at all times. I collect owls. I collect games. I collect DVDs. I collect mathematical texts.

I like communicating in cryptic messages. I dislike long walks on the beach at sunset (although I love long walks on the beach at night time). I am a jack of all trades, master of none; though that's never stopped me before.

From the start, my aim has been to entertain, fascinate, intrigue and to piss you off. My motive has changed: I no longer want to fascinate. Instead, I want to jump in your lake and feed on your crocodiles. They're quite tasty.

Don't be surprised if you see a spontaneous aeroplane.

I just came back from being a fugitive. It was a lot of fun, but I think I've had enough for one year. The only good thing, apart from the thrill of being chased, was the Cat5e cables. They taste delicious in the first half of the year. Then come winter, they lose the crispy crunch that they once had. I stuck to eating packets of data for most of the second half of last year. Try them! (The CJ Curry Experience: now a diet consultant.)

Anyway, I've made a new contact since I've been back. Here is a report on the World Cup, with some assistance from my good friend Paul The Octopus.

Algeria, Argentina, Australia, Brazil, Cameroon, Chile, Côte d'Ivoire, Denmark, England, France, Germany, Ghana, Greece, Holland, Honduras, Italy, Japan, Mexico, New Zealand, Nigeria, North Korea, Paraguay, Portugal, Serbia, Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa, South Korea, Switzerland, United States and Uruguay all lost. Spain won. Bloop.

I'd better leave you to it.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we take a trip through the Soviet Amazon and watch the sun rise over a ballpoint pen. Don't miss out!

I will be back.

Hi. I'm CJ. But you already knew that.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 60: THE GREAT ESCAPE (again)

For a recap, check out last post. Last time I was being dragged away by the scruff of my QWERTY board because I'd finally been caught by Curryland authorities. And boyohboy, do I have one hell of a story to tell you.

If you're allergic to flashbacks, I suggest you turn off now.

Time: midnight

Date: 2-JUN-10

Location: Curryland's notorious prison of no escape

More specific location: wing C, cell J37

So, here it is. I'm thirty hours into what is apparently going to be my prison sentence. It's quite cushy here, actually, given that I've been hiding out in oil barrels and HTML laboratories (jeez, those HTML tags sting like crazy when you go too near them). That said, hell, I don't want to spend the rest of the year here. I need to get out, and I need to get out now.

I have the Internet at my disposal. The one thing they didn't take off me was my laptop. Apparently they think I can't do much harm playing Snake all day long. Turns out Snake is my hacking tool. That ever-growing worm is pretty much like a progress bar to me. The bigger it gets, the better my hack.

I reckon that a particularly ugly hack will shut down the core computer system here and quite possibly help me escape. So, let me begin.

Time: 1:00 AM

Well, that hack failed. Obviously they have some pretty mean failsafes here. I'll need to figure out a way around the failsafes - maybe hack into the failsafes themselves. In the meantime, I'd better send out my thanks to the people I need to thank - just in case I can't, in fact, get out.

My loyal reader(s). Thanks to all of you. Yeah, that'll do; nobody else needs thanking.

This is going to take a while. Need to conserve battery power.

Time: 4:17 AM

Hacking has failed me.

Time: 9:34 AM

Nope, nothing. The prison system is harder to get into than War And Peace. There must be a way somewhere. Every system has an Achilles heel.

Time: 9:36 AM

I snuck a peek at a guard's password.

Time: 9:38 AM

I've found the hack to open up my door, to release me into the greater prison area. Though it doesn't get me out of the prison itself. That might take a while.

Time: 9:39:30 AM

Done. I'm good, I'm gone.

Time: 6:30 PM

Location: somewhere in Curryland

More specific location: SECURITY PROTECTED

They won't find me here for a few days. I can at least lie low and hope that they don't see me here. Still, the Curryland cops are pretty smart cookies. Meanwhile, I'm slowly going bananas and turning into a breadbasket. And now I'm hungry. I didn't bring anything to eat. This could be a problem.

Time: 7:35 PM (at least, I think it's 7:35; I've eaten my wristwatch)

Had to make do with supplies I already had. As it stands, the situation isn't that great. I can hear Curryland's emergency forces all out looking for me. Police, ambulance, and fire. As if I'm a pyromaniac. Still, I suppose it doesn't hurt.

Time: Aw shit, they're everywhere.

...

Time: 9:30 PM

Location: unknown

I've been recaptured. Bugger. They've found the sense to nick my laptop, but I'm still barely controlling it, Stephen Hawking-style. Looks like I'm gone... this may be the end of the Experience. Cheers guys...

Date: 3-JUN-10

Time: 1:30 AM

Just got back from a night out at the bar. Turns out that the only reason they wanted to capture me was... well, let me explain.

Instead of taking me to the cop shop, as usual, they made a right-hand turn down to Curryland Media and got restricted access to the facility. They frog-marched me to the prez' office and sat me down. Then they left the room. Very strange.

So the guy says to me "look, CJ, you're wrecking us. More people tune into your Experience each week than our entire-"

I couldn't resist the opportunity, and replied "Not each week. Each post."

I'm surprised it didn't get him more pissed-off, but he continued. "You're obviously pretty keen to work here again, so we might as well properly renew you so you can work your magic again."

"So, I get a fourth season?" I asked.

"Well, yes. That, and I have to comply with Curryland law."

For those out of the loop, Curryland law states that if there is some kind of threat to security - whether reasonably harmless or cataclysmic creator - then they must, by law, be offered a job within the company they threaten. Don't ask me why. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Well, by all means, I'm going to accept this job. I'll accept it in the morning, because right now I have the mother of all hangovers. Just got back from the bar, remember? I had to go out and celebrate somehow.

Date: 4-JUN-10

Time: 6:00 PM

Just getting ready to create my first legal blog in about five months. And man, does it feel good.

So, I'm back. And I'm bad. But first, I need to take a break. They'll give me a fourth season and hugely massive payrises but I have to take a holiday. Until I'm properly renewed, everything I get in trouble for is Curryland Media's responsibility (another dumb law... don't ask). So I'm going to Acapulco for a few weeks.

BYE! THANKS FOR READING! WILL BE BACK SOON WITH NINJAS AND PIRATES AND AEROPLANES AND ALL KINDS OF NEW AND EXCITING MATERIAL!

Later

--C.