August 28, 2011

Play with me. Learn with me. Sing.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE: EPISODE CVI
"DESTROY HIP HOP! DESTROY ROCK AND ROLL! DESTROY DEATH METAL! DESTROY ELECTRONICA! DESTROY COUNTRY-WESTERN! DESTROY POP!"

I just realised something. Though you know what's happening in the world (thanks largely to my awesomeness and your stupidity - because seriously, how stupid can you get, deciding to read this junk?) I haven't told you much about Curryland lately.

Curryland is... boring.

But then again, not many of you know what Curryland is like. It's a mythical land and not many of you have been there. I feel I owe it to you to explain what Curryland is like, so you can make your own decisions about whether to visit or not. So here is my description of Curryland.

Curryland is... boring.

Okay, serious now. Imagine Curryland as like the land in Borderlands. Although I've been waiting weeks to use that comparison, it's not entirely true. There is desert. But there's also massive grassland, ice lands, a huge volcano rising above craggy rocky mountains, a city in the clouds, beautiful beaches and ocean, and a rainforest. Although I've been waiting years to use that description from a whole bunch of different Super Mario Bros games, it's also not entirely true. But there is really a desert. And a city. I live in the heart of the city, in a suburb known as Currytopia.

Curry City is a beautiful city. It's about double the size of Sydney (or about 9k square miles) and triple the population of Melbourne population (for all you non-Melburnians out there, try roughly twelve million people). It's got a beach twice the size of Brisbane's biggest, and it's as far away from any other city as is Perth. It has as many churches as Adelaide, as much warm weather as Darwin, as many market days as Hobart, and we don't have a parliament house so we're not like Canberra. So there. That's Curry City.

Curryland is under the rule of the Grand High Super Top Head Vice Ultra Mega Happy Democrator Aloysius J. Snottenheimer, Ph. D., supreme dictator of the Democratic Republican Empire of Curry (or Curryland for short). We're allowed to address him as "Hey You". Though he is a dictator, he's also a benevolent emperor and a kind and caring CEO.

We're a happy bunch here. The murder rate is 0%. The crime rate is 0.01% (purely from petty shoplifters and one person who drove under the influence of alcohol - though nothing serious happened to her). Hey You doesn't have any opposition; he doesn't need it, except one time when he decided that he wanted the fish for dinner one night but he was told that the restaurant was all out of fish. (After a short exchange, he decided on a parmigiana instead.) We also have absolutely no problems with anything else.

We are not a metaphor, we're just a myth. But still, we love the utopia. We don't want out. Because if we get out, kittens will die. We like kittens.

Anyway. Enough of that morbidity. I'll get back to work.

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