September 30, 2009

I don't need this skin and bones... ah, fuck it.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnd CUE CURRY MAN

Welcome back to the CJ Curry Experience. We support gay marriage: marriage should always be happy.

WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY. WE JUMP FOR NOBODY. WE FOR NOBODY. WE LAUGH FOR EVERYBODY. WELL, WE LAUGH *AT* EVERYBODY.

POST thirty-one: HOW TO LOSE TEN MILLION FRIENDS IN ONE AFL GRAND FINAL AD

...and we begin. Wait, have we begun yet? Just let me check.

*walks up to an office door. knocks.*
"Yes! What?"
"Have we begun yet?"
"Sure! But first you have to get clearance from legal, cameras, catering, and the mouse that lives in our cupboards and eats our Tim Tams. Now get outta here."
SLAM

*walks up to another office door. knocks.*
"WHAT"
"I need the OK to begin."
"Fine, fine, anything. As long as it doesn't get us sued, OK?"
"I assure you, sir, nothing here is going to get us sued."
"Alright already! Get out there and begin!"
SLAM

*walks up to another office door. knocks.*
"Allo? Is zis maybe CJ Curry?"
"Yes, your French-accented-ness. I need clearance from you to begin."
"Ah, yes. Very well, I shall allow you to, erm, begin ze show. 'Ere iz some free food."
"Can't turn that down. Cheers!"
"Au revoir, mon ami!"
SLAM

*walks up to another room, but not an office door. knocks.*
"Mm?"
"Can we begin?"
"Oh, yeah. Sure. Cameras are all ready for you."
"Thanks, dude."
"Hey, don't sweat it, man..."
*fist-punch*
SLAM

*walks up to a door. knocks.*
"Eek!"
"I'm ready to begin. You cool with that?"
"EEK!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, you're naked. But can we begin?"
"Eek eeeeeek!"
"Thanks, Mr. Mouse."
SLAM

Well, we're ready to begin. We think.

*ahem*

Mister Curry! Sir!

What now?!?

We're almost out of time, sir!

Oh, for f-

Credits (listed in order of appearance)
CJ Curry iHate 2.0
The Blog iDislike 2.0
CJ's Computer iLoathe 2.0
Legal iAbhor 2.0
Catering iDespise 2.0
The Mouse iResent 2.0
Head of Medical iDetest 2.0
Wardrobe iCondemn 2.0
Puzzle Mastermind iDisapprove 2.0
Special Thanks iDisparage 2.0
Producer iExcrete 2.0

September 24, 2009

Procrastination is the mother of blogging.

You will always be unloved. Ba ha!

Welcome back to the CJ Curry Experience. What are you, some kind of masochist?

Who'd have thought, 29 episodes ago, that I was a nutbag and I deserved to have my blog deleted? That's right, you all did! I knew it. Bastards! All of you!

POST 30: EVEN STUPID-HEADS NEED TO EAT...

Short blog today. The end.


















...or, if you're persistent enough, here I am again. Hi.

And it's been raining. And it looks like there's more coming. And I have a break next week. And I will update at least twice. Bwahaha.

In the meantime, I have un-disturbing news for you. Once this season is done I might not return until May! Shocked! ...well, not that shocked. See, it all depends on a number of different things. Things that you can influence, by waving your arms around like a butterfly.

I hope you like butterflies! But enough with the dragons!

Oh well. Again with the shortness. Maybe. I need food. Back soon. If you're unlucky, that is... Spaghetti!!!

**************

I had food. I had trainings. I likes trainings. None for a week, though, it seems.

BAH! They say quartz is accurate. It's not, it's very quartzy. Ooh, "quartzy"! Good Scrabble word. It has a Q, a Z and a Y. Quixotic, quartzy quizzes! (Damn! No Scrabble for that last word.)

One day, I'm gonna... erm...

Moar food. Bye now.

Credits (listed in order of appearance)

CJ Curry               Craig Charles
The Blog Robert Llewellyn
CJ's Computer Norman Lovett
Stupid-Head Gary Ablett
Spaghetti Mario
Luigi
Music Mike Oldfield
Sound Effects That Guy From Police Academy
Cameras Kevin Carter
Visual Effects Dr. Spock
Refreshments Brendan Fevola
Special Thanks Bag Raiders
Producer Adolf Hitler

September 19, 2009

If I ever recover...

And now, I shall attempt to perform a triple-somersault, with three-quarter twist and maybe a feet-first entry. Yah!

CLUNK

...now I need to put water in the pool. Ooooh... the pain...

Welcome back to the CJ Curry Experience. We deliver, you belie... I mean... Everybody's talking about it! It's... I mean... Check in. Relax. Take... I mean... We report, you deci... I mean... Boom de ya... I mean... The future will not be... I mean... Hi?

And now that the blatant copyright infringements are out of the road, it's time. Time for some juicy juicy lies and slander.

POST 10TH PRIME: WHEN I SAY 'JUMP', YOU SAY 'FUCK NO'.

run.

Does I needs food or does I needs waters? You can decide, by voting on my voting thing. My voting thing is five thousand miles wide and sits just south of Violet Town. It's because I care about your opinions, and how they affect the world.

Windy and raining agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain

When I get back to writing, I shall be fed. At the beacon!

nom nom nom... maybe? yesh.

I hear a sheep. I do not see a sheep. And now I feel sheepish. NEW ZEALAND ALERT

...and so, from the CJ Curry Studios, we say... tough bloody luck. I'm still going on this blog.

As it is, there are a number of people who want my head. I say to you No! You may not have my head! My head is precious and filled with a waking life written on a bundle of nerves. COPYRIGHT PROBLEMS AGAIN!

I must dash... back to my keyboard! Bahaha, I love teasing you lot!

Fuck. Daisies are out. Yellow shoes ahoy!

So, what the hell is up with hormones and spring? I mean, supposedly spring is the time of year when a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love... but I have it on good authority that they're still thinking of SEX! Mister Tennyson needs to rethink that poem.

It is time for me to... write more!

I think it is beautiful that everyone else is 256 colours too...

Bye!

Credits (listed in order of appearance)

CJ Curry               Napoleon Dynamite
The Blog Pedro
CJ's Computer Kip
Dubbing George W. Bush
Lighting A match
Publicity Skype
Jokes recycled by Grocon
Clouds courtesy of Super Mario World
Pig flu courtesy of Babe
I'M REAL HAPPY FOR YOU, CREDITS, AND I'M GONNA LET YOU FINISH,
BUT BEYONCÉ'S CREDITS ARE THE BEST CREDITS OF ALL TIME!!!



...

September 12, 2009

I saw it coming. Did you?

WII WILL
WII WILL
ROCK YOU

AND ME

Welcome to the CJ Curry Experience. Yes, it still has its M rating, and yes, I plan to exploit that M rating as many times as humanly possible in the next thirty-two point seven seconds. FUCKFUCKFUCKSHITFUCKARSEFUCKSHIToh bugger, time's up.

Again, something new is happening! I have QC! No, not Questionable Content. Quality Control. Someone is watching me! So I hereby present a "making-of" post, just because I like it.

POST XXVIII: CURRY EXPOSED!

Picture this, if you will:

...a desk. Done? Good. Now, picture on that desk, a computer, and sitting at that computer is a nerd-boy. Me. CJ Curry. Hee!

I have a pattern with these blogs, in case you hadn't noticed. Random comment, a welcome, and an intro or non-sequitur to fill in time before the title arrives. (For those who are interested, it arrives by camel.)

So then I go into random rants, comments, non-sequiturs. I bring up references to pop culture or non-pop culture. Sometimes I have themed posts. Like this one. Or the Engrish happy fun time posting!

(My quality control person just laughed. Damn, I'm not trying hard enough.)

I currently have $14.10 sitting next to me, as well as sunglasses, a remote control, and a pair of juicy juicy thighs. ...wait, now I'm looking straight down.

(My quality control person was not amused. I'm talking about my own thighs, dammit!)

This blog is entirely unfunded. It's also very cheap. See, from here, I can take cheap shots at pretty much anyone. TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO HAVE A FIRST NAME STARTING WITH W, YOUR BREATH SMELLS!

Aeroplane! (This non-sequitur brought to you by me. And only me. And maybe Wiley. Read his comic.)

So. That's essentially the making-of. I type. I make cheap and nasty jokes. And I squeeze as much humour out of said jokes as I can. (Which often turns out to be zero.)

Incidentally, this making-of is now available on microcassette and microSD. Order forms can be picked up at your local CJ Curry Shop. Available in four different colours, including purple and dark black.

But before you go, buy my new book. At $AUD2.95 RRP, you'll be glad to miss out!

Credits (listed in order of appearance)

CJ Curry               Dilbert
The Blog Catbert
CJ's Computer Ratbert
Divine Being Dogbert
Dinosaur Bob
Quality Control Ashurii Usagi
Credits Written By Ronald McDonald
Based On A Purple Microcassette
Background Effects BSOD
Gravity Provided By Isaac Newton
Special Thanks My Mum
Producer Mel Brooks

September 6, 2009

Run, while you still can. N00b.

I liek teh Spelunky. Spelunky is good. It is a good game and a good word. Like "fucky". Whee.

Welcome back to the CJ Curry Experience. And you'd better damn well appreciate it.

Today we venture into the past a little bit. Excited, huh? Don't be. "The past" just means last week. Or, then again, it could just mean yesterday. Or even this morning. Or fifteen billion years ago. Who knows? Who cares? Not you!

POST 27: GO JUMP IN A LAKE!

I really should be tidying my room, getting some sleep, or standing on my head while blowing my socks off. Maybe. But I'm stuck here at 3AM writing a blog nobody reads except you, nobody writes except me, and nobody cares about except the dead moth sitting on Ash Tree Lane. At least, I think that's a moth.

Paperclip!!!!!

I feel like... erm...

<<<Finish this sentence and win! Well, actually, don't win, but still.>>>

I forgot my pizza...

Does it bother anyone when people ask you if something bothers you? It bothers me, because there's unnecessary bother involved. Bother.

Ya know, I don't believe in equal opportunities for people and plankton. Plankton are so much stupider. Humans deserve more opportunities. I fail at persuasive writing, but what the hell.

Jump!

Hit that. I dare you.

*ahem*

I have a dream...

whereby I'm naked. (Chakalaka!)

Now. Shall we go deeper into CJ Curry's past? We shall. *ahem*

Last year, I was 73. This year, I'm 74. The year before, I was 67. Take that! I have also steadily been 70 for a long time. Take that! Ooh, Jürgen Paape. <<Attention span limit reached!!>>

It's raaaaaaaining...

And now, onto more serio business. I mean serious business.

I have a hat. I have a mug. I have a top. I have a key. I have a pen. I have a cord. C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER

You people must really like me if you keep reading this goo. But I guess I like writing it, so it's fair both ways. I write goo, and you liek mudkipz. Erm...

Jump?

Credits (listed in order of appearance)

CJ Curry               Jeremy Clarkson
The Blog James May
CJ's Computer Richard Hammond
Paperclip Clippy
Mudkipz A frog I found outside my window
Plankton Mickey Mouse
3AM 3:37 PM
Mathematical Consultant Albert Einstein
Jumping Consultant House Of Pain
Casting ...eww, don't go there
Director of Photography Anne Geddes
Catering Gordon Ramsay
Jamie Oliver
Ainslie Harriott
Nigella Lawson
...and so on.
Special Thanks Jovanotti
Producer Britney Spears

September 1, 2009

And all the hearts are glowing...

Hi guys. (You know who you are.) I know you're reading this. So, please, for the love of everything that is good and Internetly, enjoy the fuck out of this blog.

Welcome to the CJ Curry Experience. Insert tagline here.

As part of CJ Curry's second season experimentation, this post has been turned into Engrish. If you want a full translation, watch this space. (It probably won't do anything except amuse me, but go ahead.) If you need a full translation, write a letter that say "I Need A Translation", scuba-dive all the way to the West Coast of the USA, turn the letter into a paper aeroplane, and try to look modest as people stare at you.

POST 26: IT'S FUN!

And now, in business. This week I try me me as without being abnormal you think of a certain thing, the optional teenager shown entirely. In addition, I caused and the (??) was not.

Serio is the music obsession where I am new. I dance the dance of jump of especially jump remix, you like. Because I this furthermore make Engrish more in insanity, this is expressed. As for me when I is possible, in order to throw in the same way the way with many optional words, you try; "defenestrate". As for Everything2 of word; you like; "defenestrate" what reason?… When those where that is you do not know, inspect that. It possesses the hand, therefore use those.

Accidentally, someone are 2 these thumbs, is the just you are surprised completely? This person!

Although you obtain, being used, in order to transfer the time when you become tired exactly… Regrettable. There is blog which it should obtain in me.

Therefore. I drank my weight of the soda which becomes cream condition 3 days ago. As for me which it occurs; you used; "time of sickness"; this blog and Nomic I in order to think in regard to thought for the game; where presently you play.

I trained 2 days ago.

I like raver jumped 1 days, ago the dance, and made general. Because exactly.

Zero days I ago allotment and you finished; attaches my TV. As for that me the it bothers; suitable what it probably will rub. Person.

Airplane?

The option which accidentally, the people continue to see certain ones with this blog it is you think every shit and in doubt. That is simple: There is no randomness! True randomness achieving, is impossible!

Calm down the sexual intercourse. We ask. It ended that almost.

In addition, as for me it was attached to underwater grasping my breath. … dang of um, already those which have used up believe my material. Recycle the victory of the large box!

Achewood rush do!

Credits (listed in order of appearance)

CJ Curry David "Bumble" Lloyd
The Blog Dick Smith
CJ's Computer Comp-U-Comp
Engrish Japan
Window Mac OS 1
Recycle Bin John Howard
Cinematography Junichi Masuda
CJ's Portrait By Ken Sugimori
Original Idea Satoshi Tajiri
Screenplay Alfred Hitchcock
Special Thanks Andrew Flintoff
Producer RSS
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