October 22, 2013

No, I'M the goddamn Batman!

EPISODE 195: YOU HAVE DEFINITELY GOT WHAT IT TAKES

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October 19, 2013

I would hardly call that a "jelly mould".

EPISODE 194: THE PREVIOUS TITLE WAS TOO LONG

CJ needs:
  • caution when discussing blocking
  • all of our help
  • to perform some reset action
  • to come back for GTA V
CJ wants:
  • early shifting of district courts
  • lawyers to be more active
  • closer complex to capital
  • a workout
CJ is:
  • angry and believes that the garage is completely useless
  • a decent fall-back position
  • not in the game
  • predominantly viewed as a writer of works for children
ALL MY WHATS

Urban Dictionary says:

A CJ is good at listening, focusing on your problems, and gives good advice. He is a great and trustworthy friend. CJ is always willing to help you in anyway. He also has random made up memories of things that really didn't happen... despite what his friends say. He's amazing and makes everyone feel safe and comfortable. He instills a feeling of trust in you that you just can't shake off.

Most CJs are relatively intelligent but lack motivation and drive. CJs are very fun to interact with but due to their almost constant positive outlooks can sometimes be incredibly annoying. CJs are also very loyal friends but will not hesitate to tell it to you straight. Some CJs can suffer from a slight fear of commitment. They are much more prone to "just having a good time". However, it is possible for them to be housebroken.

CJs tend to make the mistake of holding on to the wrong one for too long while the girl of his dreams is waiting for him. Caution... CJs love to pull pranks.

Alright, who the hell wrote my (almost) entire damn bio on Urban Dictionary?!

CJ loves:

  • numbers (especially prime numbers and in particular the number 37)
  • classical ciphers
  • geocaching
  • cricket, and in particular, indoor cricket
  • owls (especially Boobooks
  • EDM (especially Disclosure)
  • Jewel Staite and Ellyse Perry
  • (some) video games
  • long walks deep at night
  • tree climbing
  • you.
CJ hates:
  • stabby things
  • seafood
  • being sick or injured
  • winter
  • walking at sunset (stand still and watch the sunset dammit!)
  • death
  • not you.
MLSLNK YC ZKOWSD JVT GLTIEDVXMT GNTQFALR

Wackjobs are taking over my music box.

October 13, 2013

Melted yet?

EPISODE 193: IT'S RAINING, IT'S SHINING, THE OLD MAN CAN'T MAKE UP HIS MIND ABOUT WHAT HE'S GONNA DO BECAUSE WHEN HE BUMPED HIS HEAD SOMETHING HAPPENED TO HIS BRAIN, PROBABLY SOME KIND OF CONCUSSION WHICH HE SHOULD PROBABLY HAVE CHECKED OUT BECAUSE HEAD INJURIES CAN BE KINDA NASTY GIVEN THE CHANCE AND GIVEN A BIT OF BEING LEFT ALONE, HELL, IF IT'S RAINING AND SHINING HE'S PROBABLY HIT HIS HEAD SOMETHING FIERCE AND HE'S NOW HALLUCINATING, SOMEONE MAYBE CALL AN AMBULANCE AND HAVE A&E ON STANDBY?

I want a cheeseburger.

here begins the brain bleach

It's ostensibly impossible to read a red cake properly, correct? Well, I have done it. It took three weeks of persistence and another five years of training, but I did it. And we're not talking "read" as in "just skimmed it" like most people do. I can quote it verbatim if you wish.

Time to feel unreal. Be back in a few minutes.

.. ,, ?? -- [[ ^^ ## // == !! %% ;; }} || \\ __ &&

magic keeps happening and I have zero idea how to turn it off because it's part of my persona
and it's something that always made me kathump kathump
but right now I cannot handle so please get gone for the moment

Does it ever bother you when I don't finish a

purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

owl owl owl owl owl owl owl owl owl owl owl owl owl owl owl owl owl owl owl owl owl owl owl

Split lips annoy me.

37 evenly divides 111. Who knew?

mmmm. pancakes and cookies. mmmmmmmmmmm.

next gateway opens a kind chillout land beyond Larry Carlson's acid-trip-type animations

Actually, if you want the contents of the red cake, send an SSAE to me here at Curryland Studios. You know how to do it: attach it to the leg of a homing eagle, send it flying in the opposite direction, wait five months, buy a game on Steam and look to the west horizon. The SSAE will now be full.

(erm. it means Stamped Self Addressed Envelope.)

See you next time, and don't forget to elect a dolphin!

October 8, 2013

I'm getting stared at again.

EPISODE 192: REPEAT FOR INFINATE MONEYZ!

zero hours, zero minutes. first trap. subject is subjected to a small LGBT bookshop in Fitzroy. or, more correctly, the people and madcap antics therein. and madcap is the right word. (points go to D for Call Of The Evening.)

one hour, approximately thirty-five minutes. subject leaves Fitzroy quite happily.

twelve hours, zero minutes. subject awakens with a pair of sex dice.

fourteen hours, approximately five minutes. subject arrives to assist a friend with tasks such as packing boxes into cars and assembling a bed.

sixteen hours, twenty-five minutes. subject disappears (cheers to M for the lift) and walks of his own volition right into our next trap.

sixteen hours, thirty-five minutes. subject arrives at second trap.

eighteen hours, zero minutes. subject springs trap. it's an audio trap. ear-shattering bass. subject shrugs off trap and actually enjoys the bass.

twenty-six hours, zero minutes. subject has been subjected to Friendships, Rüfüs, AlunaGeorge, Duke Dumont and Disclosure. suffice it to say, our second trap failed too. subject walks away, tired but euphoric.

twenty-seven hours, five minutes. subject arrives at family members' house. subject is safe... for now.

thirty-six hours, zero minutes. subject awakens, sans sex dice.

forty-two hours, forty-five minutes. subject leaves family members' house and heads for third trap.

forty-three hours, forty-five minutes. subject springs third trap.

fifty-one hours, forty-five minutes. subject walks away from another goddamn trap, again happy. he has, though, had vanilla panna cotta and wedding cake shoved down his throat... by himself. (congratulations to B and T for their marriage!)

fifty-two hours, twenty minutes. subject falls asleep again. the overall plan may well be working at this stage.

sixty hours, zero minutes. subject awakens to the sound of the shrillest alarm in history. mildly hung over.

sixty-one hours, five minutes. the sonofabitch subject is still walking. i swear, if this last thing doesn't exhaust him...

sixty-three hours, zero minutes. subject enters class.

sixty-eight hours, zero minutes. subject leaves class... and is visibly elated. what the fuck does it take to wear this guy down?!

seventy-two hours, zero minutes. subject arrives at fourth trap.

seventy-three hours, twenty minutes. not only have we not exhausted the fuck out of him, but he also sprung the trap and actually enjoyed it... and was praised for it. and my gods he's asking for more! last roll of the sex dice coming now.

seventy-four hours, twenty minutes. well, i surrender. this fucker's taken everything thrown at him and not let his guard down once. i give up. somebody else can be the bounty hunter tracking him down, i'm done.





For those who filtered out the garbage, have this. These are only new songs.
  • The Romantic List
    • Bind Me - ETML
    • Given The Chance - Kite String Tangle
    • Sarah - Rüfüs
    • Seconds - Ghost Loft
    • Slowdowntime - Ghost Loft
    • Your Drums, Your Love - AlunaGeorge
  • The Summer List
    • Always Be Running - Eat More Cake
    • Beach - San Cisco
    • Breathe This Air - Jon Hopkins ft. Purity Ring
    • Burn - Ellie Goulding (well... it's new for me)
    • Dontcha - The Internet
    • The Good Life - Elizabeth Rose
    • To Fall In Love - Eat More Cake ft. MissDavinaLee
  • The Memories List
    • Elouisa - The Swiss
    • Paradise - Cub Scouts
    • Riptide - Vance Joy
    • So High - Ghost Loft
  • The Euphoria List
    • Ink In Water - Xan
    • Light Cycles - ShockOne
    • Lover's Shadow - Cosmo's Midnight
    • Wake Me Up - Avicii ft. Aloe Blacc
  • The Place-In-My-Head List
    • Battle For Middle You - Julio Bashmore
    • Errol Flynn - Jinja Safari
    • Sundream - Rüfüs
    • pretty much everything Disclosure has ever done

October 2, 2013

Flashes on match heads, splashes on ashes. Sounds kinky.

EPISODE 191: ONE FOOT GOES DOWN

Here we are in Curryland's heart of business: 1 Curry Avenue. The business is called Big Business. Half a million people roll in there each day for a whole bunch of purposes - work, visitation, cleaning, auditing, stealing food from the lobby's vending machines, releasing deadly viruses... the works.

Next door is Curryland Media's studios. It's run-down and cobwebby. Three people go in each day. I'm one. The second is the 96-yr-old security guard, and the third is the security guard's anthropomorphic handgun. The handgun is blind, and the guard has a slight case of arthritis.

It's not been a good time for Curryland Media. Since season 4 (when Curryland Media gave me my job back after that ninja broadcast escapade that had me running through HTML labs and pelicans' beaks... you know the one, right?) we've been in a slow decline. Curryland governments (yes, there are several) have slowly cut our funding OH LOOK IT'S SUNNY OUTSIDE *schwoop*




uh, don't mind me, I'm just sittin' here feedin' the owls

because the ink is in the water WHAT PART OF THE INK IS IN THE WATER DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND

Here comes cloud. Time go go ins-OSHIT IT'S RAINING NOW

CLICK THE F TO SPRINT

*slam* I'm inside again. Inside every heartbeat. Inside every worry. Wait... that sentence has been done before. Shit.

(there are over sixteen trillion cookies in my cookie bank. help.)

The rain continues and so I continue my sundream.

<INSERT STOP-MOTION VIDEO OF A BANANA AND AN APPLE HERE>

(for those wondering I am putting one foot down in front of the other one. do not panic until I do.)

I think I made the right decision staying inside the four walls of Curryland Media today. I think that tomorrow I will go outside and chill in a place that needs chilling, while perhaps doing some homeworkings. Or breaking portals. 'Ta.
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