All hail the potato.

Hi. I'm CJ. And I can't stop the music.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 44: MUSIC, PLEASE...

Another special edition. This time around, I've decided to go through a handful of my favourite tunes, analysing the fuck out of them. It's just because I feel like it, 'kay? So if you don't like it, cram it.

In no particular order.

1. I'm Not Alone (Deadmau5 Remix) - Calvin Harris -- Oh, this is a perfect start. It's progressive house. I've always had a soft spot for progressive house - and progressive trance, for that matter. The thing about progressive house is that its beat is hypnotic. To most people, it doesn't sound much like music, but if you have a good mix of music and vocals, the song is basically perfect. This is one of those songs. I get a vision in my head of the city whenever I play this. It's almost as good as "How Soon Is Now". Try them both. Seriously.
2. Put Your Hands On - No Halo -- Another picture of the city. Somehow, it fuses classic house, lyrics and a form of jazz together and it just works. Plus the chorus is real fun to belt out when I'm in one of those moods. I love every song that gives me a mental image of the city. I like the city. And I like jazz. But only acid jazz or jazz fusion. Everything else is for people who belong in the 1960s and 1970s. Not that I don't respect older stuff. I just don't like it.
3. Bumcop - Crazy Penis -- It's going to be hard to put a positive spin on this song, based on the title and the band name. But anyway. It's about as far away from rude as you can get. In fact, it's a nice piece of house-slash-smooth guitar riffs. A bit repetitive, but at least they put some decent synths in at the right spot. Matter of fact, it does sound like it belongs with a bunch of cops walking the beat... though not with the word "bum" in front of it. Kojak, maybe?
4. Remember Me - Blueboy -- See what I mean? I have a soft spot for acid jazz as well. Though this one basically consists of Marlena Shaw singing "remember me? I'm the one who had your babies" and scatting "ging ging ging". Doesn't matter, though, because that's what acid jazz is. Well, nearly. Apparently, acid jazz belongs in late-night coffee-houses. Hell if this one belongs there. It's a good song - Remember Me, that is, not Marlena Shaw's far-too-sampled song, whatever the title is - and it was actually covered by Tame Impala. A cover of a sampling? Nathan, this is unacceptable!
5. Walk Right Back - Zoo Brasil -- Punchy, short, and electronified. You can't fight brevity and you can't fight electronica. It would be a good driving song if it was a good three minutes longer. Driving songs should always be about five minutes long. Hell, I'd make a mix of driving songs if I could. Zoo Brasil should get a good look in somewhere. Maybe a minute-long space-filler, but it'd still be there. It's a punchy track, FFS, and we all need punchy driving songs.
6. Nothing New (Mosquito Remix) - Rune ft. Morten Luco -- Are these the same guys who gave us Calabria? And, in turn, Destination Calabria? Hell if Alex Whatsisname made it any better. Seriously. Anyway, this is a good song. I like it because it can make me feel lonely without being alone. Being lonely without being alone is my drug. It's the best feeling in the world, if you actually set out to achieve it deliberately. It makes you feel as though your digestive system has been ripped out and your tear ducts are nearly full. Still, it feels good in the right atmosphear.
7. Watch The Sunrise (Remode) - Axwell ft. Steve Edwards -- This guy has got the best male voice I have heard in a long time. Genius. I don't know which is better, the re-mode or the original. What the hell is a re-mode anyway? How can you re-mode a song? Make it a two-player song instead of a one-player song? Put Legendary on? Seriously. Still. The lyrics are good. Music like this is win. Plus, the song is heavy electro, which makes it awesome as hell.
8. Doctorin' The TARDIS - The KLF -- Doctor who? This is a new spin on the Doctor Who theme that I'd heard a few times before I actually acquired it. How old are the KLF now? Supposedly, they stand for the Kopyright Liberation Front. I hope this is true, because I stand for the liberation of all kopyrights. With or without the letter K. Exterminate all kopyrights!
9. Miss Teardrop - Felix Laband -- The second song on the pretty damned successful and highly awesome Dark Days Exit album. I reckon this is Felix Laband's better album, TBH, though there are a few other tracks of his that have win. I do have to wonder about the title. Miss Teardrop just sounds like a prostitute. OK, sure, an innocent young prostitute, but one nonetheless. Love the song, though. Pulls up an image of a place I frequent. My grandparents' property. Love it.
10. The Silence -- Mike Koglin -- Enjoy The Silence by Depeche Mode said "the silence" but never "enjoy the silence". The Silence by Mike Koglin said "enjoy the silence" but never "the silence" on its own. Ironic much. Doesn't matter. I like the 2005 re-release, as well. Please listen to it, it's progressive trance and it kinda kicks ass. Really. It's about the opposite you can get to silence, and certainly doesn't showcase the beauty of silence. Doesn't matter.
11. Push Push (M.A.N.D.Y.'s Pusher Remix) - Rockers Hi-Fi -- This song has just enough on it to make it interesting. I like listening it to it as I drive out of the Rat. Those who know me know what and where the Rat is. I actually bought this album at Monash University. I didn't end up going there. Those two facts are completely unrelated. Yeah. So. I take those lyrics pretty literally. Except I change "we" for "I". I can surely turn the tide etc. etc. Surely this will somehow catch on later on in my life, and shit will get so much better for me.
12. 400 Miles From Darwin - The Whitlams -- Someone somewhere described The Whitlams' music as "get out your cigarette lighter and sway" music. Yes. Especially this one. It's a political one, but doesn't matter. I like music like this. I prefer political satire, but hell if I don't like this too. Good times. Except perhaps for the people that the song talks about. Yep. Move on.
13. Just A Dream - Delerium -- I'm seriously confused as to whether this band spells the word "delirium" with two 'i's or two 'e's. I received some of it tagged as 'delerium' and some as 'delirium'. The word itself is 'delirium'. Still, it's dream chillout. Dreamy. These guys make good music. I must score their albums. At the moment all I have is music on compilations. This disgusts me. Not because they appear on compilations, but because I am terminally lazy and can't get off my tail to get some of the best music going around. Well, it was going around. I haven't heard much from these guys in ages.
14. Be No One - Charles Webster -- Chillout again. It's experimental electronica so it fits in with my music tastes. For those who aren't sure, my music tastes can be described so easily: experimental and electronica. If you want more specific information: acid, acid jazz, ambient, chillout, electro, house, indie, NRG, progressive, techno, trance, and occasionally a little other crap too. Can't stand much pop, rock, metal, or urban music. Urban encompasses rap, RnB, and all that crap. Yes, it's all crap. Who makes music like that, and doesn't do drugs?
15. Téo & Téa 4:00 AM - Jean-Michel Jarre -- I thought his name was pronounced with an accent at one point. Thanks to my floormate and piano teacher - both separate entities - for clearing that up for me. Anyway. Talk of a biosphere aside, this album is pretty awesome. This has to be the best song off it. Soft trance, seven minutes long. I've always dreamed about mixing this track into Greece 2000 by Three Drives. There is a lot of confusion about whether they should be "Three Drives" or "Three Drives On A Vinyl". Hell, vinyl is worthless anyway.
16. Love Story - Layo And Bushwacka! -- I swear these guys have to be Australians. Who else is a bushwhacker? What the hell is a bushwhacker? And who on earth is Layo? I reckon these guys could be Lano And Woodley in disguise. It's not a love story, either. I can't make out the lyrics - who can? - and it's not about a love story. I know love stories inside out: boy meets girl, boy gets girl, kissy kissy, nine months later there's a kid. Yeah. I'm a cynic.
17. Beautiful Life - Gui Boratto -- Funny this song should come up in a pseudorandomly generated list of my favourite songs. When I was watching Resident Evil for the first time, I got the creeps a few times - I'm squeamish and can't handle horror and gore - so I looked straight at the ceiling and listened to Beautiful Life in my head. Happy place. It's not my happy place, but it's a happy place nonetheless. My happy place has me on my own. It's a room that doesn't exist... but that's a different story. Gui Boratto rocks my minimalistic world.
18. Serio - Lost Valentinos -- YES. The Lost Valentinos are my current favourite indie bands. They can take a remix like anything - Nightmoves, Thief and Serio especially - and Serio is by far my favourite track. The best songs have a part where there's a bunch of instruments playing at once - in harmony - or a bunch of people all singing the same thing - in harmony. Serio has a part like that. Let the sun rise, before we say goodbye...
19. Be Together (P. Liassi & Tyrell Edit) - Supafly -- Supafly make good music. Ever since we heard Let's Get Down we knew we were in for something special. These guys can also take a good remix, though this one isn't quite as good as previous ones. Still, house is house, and Supafly is Supafly. Usually flies spread shit. It's good to see that a Supafly is a little above that.
20. Moan (Trentemøller Edit) - Trentemøller ft. Ane Trolle -- Don't look at the video clip if you're susceptible to puppy-dog eyes. And seriously, the clip matches the song. My processor cry. My best friend cry. My sister cry. My sneaker cry. I don't, though I got close. Want to cry a bit? Watch it. See, I don't fall for puppy dog eyes. Emotionally... actually, why am I talking about emotions? Bugger this, I'm out of here.

Later

--C.

---

This has been a CJ Curry presentation for CJ Curry Enterprises, Inc. Don't forget to enter the "Where In The World Is Curry Sanfrancisco?" competition. Last post's winner was Mr. James Mason of 227 Vindaloo Ave., Curryland. For correctly saying that I broadcasted Ep43 from the west wing of the old schoolhouse, James wins two pieces of popcorn straight from the Yarra. Don't add any more salt, James; it'll be lethal enough already! The prize for Ep44 is: a lock of my hair tied to a cupboard handle and marinated in soy sauce and honey for three weeks. Don't miss out!

So, you wish to entertain me? Fine. Do it.

Hi. I'm CJ. And I blame PRNGs for my shortcomings.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 43: RUN ALONG, NOW...

<we interrupt this experience to bring you news from wround the world>

In the UK, it has been revealed that civil servants working at No. 10 Downing Street are afraid to challenge the way it is run. Apparently, bullying allegations have been made. What the hell is this? High school?

In the US, a court has found a doctor guilty of faking research for twelve years. He scored a bunch of grant money, and didn't use it on research; instead he fabricated data and studies and sent it to journals. Fake research? We have never seen that before, especially not with pig flu.

Still in the US, two men have been arrested following arson at a church. They're both up for life in prison if convicted. Sure, nobody cares about Project Chanology, but burn a church to the ground and you're up for a life sentence.

In the Ivory Coast, following the dissolution of the former government, the prime minister has announced the formation of a new government within 24 hours. And why not? I mean, it's the simplest solution for anything that doesn't work: use it until it breaks and buy a whole new one for half the cost of the repairs.

Back to the US, and apparently a Superman comic book is worth a mill now. The Action Comics book, which featured Superman's debut, was sold for $1m. FFS, it's a comic book. I could buy 100,000 other comics for that much and be even more happy.

In Canada, temperatures have soared to an amazing 50 degrees Fahrenheit - that's nine degrees for those who speak Celsius - and the Winter Olympians are in short sleeves. Hell what? Nine degrees in winter? How completely unprecedented! Some people suffer in 50+ degrees every year, but it doesn't compare to nine! I feel for those poor, boiling Winter Olympians.

Worldwide, there is a proposal for five referees to be involved in every World Cup match this June. This is to avoid incidents like Theirry Henry's obvious and blatant handball from occurring again. So, how do we avoid incidents like Zinedine Zidane's headbutt? Change insults to "Your sister is actually a very fine woman"?

Finally, in weather... There's lots of it.

<we now return you to our regularly scheduled experience>

Interview time. I might get the Experience syndicated in the UK! Wish me luck.

Later

--C.

---

This has been a CJ Curry presentation for CJ Curry Enterprises, Inc. Don't forget to enter the "Where In The World Is Curry Sanfrancisco?" Competition. Last post's winner was Mr. Austin Burke of 663 Curry Rd., Curryland. For correctly saying that I broadcasted Ep42 from an old and broken-down tin car, Austin wins a mouse and some screwdrivers. Don't do anything I wouldn't do! The prize for EP43 is: two pieces of popcorn which were at some point dropped off the Eureka Tower into the Yarra and somehow survived the fall. Don't forget to add joy with your entry!

It must be Thursday. I could never get the hang of Thursdays.

Hi. I'm CJ. And I just remembered The Game.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 42: SIX TIMES NINE

It's a brand new day. I think. So it's time to write. I think.

For all those intent on criticising my blog: you are all good people. But tone it down, because I have many many mongoose allies that will take you snakes down. I also have ninja allies, hell bent on destroying the pirates. While the pirates worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster and all his Noodly Appendages, I am in league with the anti-Meatball.

So. To business.

I am about to eat tea. Very soon I will be travelling. I got a hat today. I have been eating my recommended daily intake of Tim Tams. I am just generally a nice bloke. And I haven't seen an aeroplane for some time.

I start teh class soon. Java is already my bitch so I will be trying to utilise it whenever and wherever I can. And I will also try and get a job. Season 3 may well be intermittent... or even cut short. Not that you care.

And now I shall go and eat my dinner jacket. Back shortly.

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That pattern was pretty, was it not? I like patterns and I like dots. So why not?

Anyway. We were due to show you a plastic bottle of garbage juice, but due to budget constraints we couldn't. So, instead, I present to you the following insight:

Friends are people that don't ask for loaned money back.

And the following fun fact:

Ducks flying upside down don't actually quack up. That would be absurd.

I leave you with joy and bid you adieu. Happy Thursday!

Later

--C.

---

This has been a CJ Curry presentation for CJ Curry Enterprises, Inc. Don't forget to enter the "Where In The World Is Curry Sanfrancisco?" competition. Last post's winner was Ms. Jacqueline Webster of 19 Curry Drive, Curryland. For correctly saying that I broadcasted Ep41 from an HTML laboratory, Jacqueline wins a very special rubber chicken. Don't spend it all in one place, Jaq! The prize for EP42 is: three screwdrivers (the tools, not the drinks) and a broken-down computer mouse. The screwdrivers don't fit the mouse, but the mouse fits the screwdrivers. Well, one of them. Happy hunting!

Did you enjoy the silence?

Hi. I'm CJ. And I enjoy curry.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 41: SEASON 3 BEGINS

Welcome back to the third season of the CJ Curry Experience, where you can experience me 24/7. I realise a lot of my readers won't know what the hell is going on, so here is a brief recap of Seasons 1 and 2.

In March 2009, someone stupidly showed me Blogspot, which became Blogger. I created the CJ Curry Experience from the ground up. In Season 1, starting in early March, the Experience found its feet as it spouted nonsense from all its orifices, and interviewed such luminaries as Albert Einstein, Nikola Tesla, Benjamin Franklin and Jesus. We joined forces with such other blogs as Ways Of The World and smartassery.101 (both of these mysteriously disappeared off the face of the Internats three days after I joined forces with them... what a coincidence).

I am CJ. I am the creator of the blog. I'm highly dangerous when you arm me with a QWERTY board. I'm 9ft4in tall, over two hundred years old, tanned and fucking good-looking. But I'm in a relationship. Sucks to be you.

So, at the end of Season 1, I got renewed by Curryland Media, PLC and came back here with more garbage in Season 2. Curryland Media decided not to renew me for the third season, so I've started my own ninja broadcast. It's like a pirate broadcast, only I'm stealthy enough so that I won't get caught. I'm going to transmit each episode of S3 from different locations, and they'll all be on the same frequency that you usually find Curryland's most popular radio show, waveCJ.

Those who wish to try and track me down will find it is impossible, but those who wish to guess my location each post can enter the "Where In The World Is Curry Sanfrancisco?" competition I'm running. The prize varies each week, and all you have to do is send your guess in by writing it on the back of a self-addressed, stamped payslip, sitting on the payslip for three weeks until it hatches, and sending the offspring on a paper aeroplane towards Curryland. (I left a forwarding address.)

For those who have no idea who I am, here is a little about me, presented as a series of 20 factoids. It's kind of the reverse of 20 questions. Take careful note of these factoids. You will be tested.

1. My favourite three books in the whole world are House Of Leaves, by Mark Z. Danielewski; The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch; and I Heard The Owl Call My Name, by Margaret Craven. I have copies of all but the last one. I'm hoping that the last one will become public domain soon.
2. I am a gamer. I have owned - in no particular order - two PCs, a Game Boy, a GBA, an NDS, a Wii, and about five million games. I foresee a repeat of the video game crisis of 1984 in the near future.
3. My house is nice. Unfortunately I haven't been there in ages, in order to facilitate this ninja broadcast.
4. I believe in freedom. Free booze, free omelettes, free cheers for me!
5. Curryland is a zeroth world country. It's a step up from a first world country. We have technology that first world countries only dream of. But we don't share it.
6. I manage a cricket team by proxy.
7. My favourite movies of all time are The Matrix, I, Robot and Police Academy.
8. My favourite TV series of all time are Jonathan Creek, Red Dwarf and Spicks & Specks.
9. My favourite ways of messing with your mind of all time are mindfucking, spouting nonsense, and telling you that you'll be fine.
10. Kanye West was responsible for the best meme of all time. Of all time.
11. I like listening to ambient, house, electronic, experimental, trance, acid, chillout, minimalistic, and indie music. But I've never heard any one song that encompasses all those genres.
12. Joy. This is a fact.
13. There is no number 13.
14. "Yow" is my new catchphrase.
15. ?????
16. PRO-- wait.
17. Often, during surveys, I drift off and start writing junk.
18. During the last three or so questions, I usually start concentrating again, and I become more coherent.
19. I firmly believe that everyone has a secret to hide, and everyone has a story to tell.
20. I often end surveys with a disclaimer, saying that I may have made up everything I just wrote. Indeed, you should know that I often make up "facts" about myself. Trust nobody, believe nothing.

Later

--C.

---

This has been a CJ Curry presentation for CJ Curry Enterprises, Inc. Don't forget to enter the "Where In The World Is Curry Sanfrancisco?" competition. The prize for EP41 is: a rubber chicken, dipped in liquid gold and soaked for six weeks in a bucket of misery and shame. It's actually quite a lot of fun: shove it in an emo kid's face, and watch them squirm. Get entries in quick!