May 30, 2010

Please sympathise with me.

Hi. I'm CJ. And sports are made merely for my amusement.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 59: LO, IT BE JUNE AGAIN (WITHIN THE NEXT 48 HOURS, THAT IS)

I feel like doing a shameless plug. So here it is.


So enjoy it while it lasts, because plugs are just those: plugs. Very soon they will be pulled, dragging the rest of the Internets with them. Especially the shameless ones.

I'd like to blog about more, because I have a lot more to say. Unfortunately, Curryland police are still tracking me down for making this ninja broadcast. Heh. They'll never find me here. I'm in known COBOL territory, and as long as the COBOL members don't figure out that I'm an object-oriented man I'll be right.

Wait, what? COBOL is object-oriented. What?

Oshit. They just worked out I'm Javanese. HELP.

public class Avoidance
{
public static void main(String[] args)
{
cjCurry.runAway();
}
}

...aaaaaaand compile! *phew* I'm safe.

Now an even bigger problem arises. The COBOL gang saw me, saw where I went, and can tell the cops where I am. I'll hide among the C++ users for the moment. The cops won't be able to tell the difference.

#include <iostream>
using namespace std;
void main()
{
cjCurry.disguise();
cout << "Your disguise is successful." << endl;
cjCurry.beginIdleChatter("Hey! How are you! Nice to see you. Praise Bjarne Stroustrup! How\'s the weather? Code any good wetness lately? Heh heh heh. Keep up the good work!");
}

Whew. I think I'm safe here. The only thing that could possibly stop me is an exception somewhere, or a compiler error. Now. As you can tell, it's becoming increasingly harder for me to blog, based purely on the fact that Curryland is swarming with police who are experts at pretty much everything. It's a miracle that I outlasted them for two days, let alone nearly four months. My handy C++ textbook - um, I mean, PHRASE book - has helped me disguise myself. But I only know how to speak Java and C++, I don't know any other languages.

I'm also running out of bribes. There are only so many cookies I can bake for the cops on a limited budget, and I'm having trouble finding donuts that aren't curry-flavoured here in Curryland. That's to be expected. ...'Scuse me, there's a cookie vendor over there.

#include <iostream>
using namespace std;
void main()
{
cjCurry.purchaseCookies();
cjCurry.receiveResponse("You\'re not a real C++ member, are you?");
cjCurry.actInnocent("Why, what on earth do you mean?");
cjCurry.receiveResponse("It\'s heaps better to use int main() than void main().");
cjCurry.lookPuzzled("I\'m just trying to be different.");
cjCurry.receiveResponse("We\'ll see about that. HEY! THERE\'S A GUY HERE WHO LOOKS NONPLUSSED!");
cjCurry.runAway();
}

SHIT. I'm in huge trouble now. May as well give up, actually, now that I think about it.

Well folks, it's been a good year and three months, and a really good 59 episodes, but finally my crimes have caught up with me and the cops are closing in pretty hard (that didn't sound sexual at all). I'll be back, but I don't know when or in what form and I'd better hurry up and finish because the cops are about to arrest me and take my compu











SEGMENTATION FAULT

May 24, 2010

I speak English real goodly.

Hi. I'm CJ. And we all need a bit of Engrish in our lives.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE HAPPY FUN TIME 58: SUPER ULTRA HAPPY HEADUDESKU TECHUNIKU!

The mail box CJ Curry not have any important information. Mr. CJ not like empty box. You want blog, you read blog so you send money and lovely kisses to Mr. CJ.

Making up such things as <Engrish> is fun! Enjoy the happy smiles and laugh as write Engrish Mr. CJ. Not claim to be exceptional, but like to be fun. Shit. Well, it's a shame.

You have laundry! I wish to build laundry in house. You get me elect, you like me and laundry will build. It is faith in me, maybe I made a mistake but laundry is easy fun. Materials of building are need, but obtaining them is just a snap. Nothing strange with laundry.

Do not shatter.

Season is changing soon. I do exam, I take time away from blog. Still, July or August is good return. Regard the blog, until return.

Too much joy, not enough of the joy for you. Is joy the reason for return? Maybe? Bullshit, come here. It is the gift of return and food's coldness in refrigerator. Which go ahead to joy again. You want the <joy>? Tomorrow.

Wreck this thing, do not shatter.

I see your face. You go ahead to look happy. Because I offend, your offend is my goal and is easy trolling. Trolls away! And is fun to watch.

I sing tomorrow in sing contest. Contest? What? Oh sorry, I mean <Variety Night>. I enjoy. You probably like too, but I get better fun. Much fun.

In world's news: police say, we make problems. We responsible for death in the cell. Now they problems! And. Bangkok is protest finish. Yay! And. Tiny transistor, electric circuit made of atoms of seven. Only seven! Want so much! And. FIFA enjoy nearly time to begin in June. Will not display results, because did not see during Ashes.

Go ahead to have a good day. Curryland come back!

Later

-C.

May 21, 2010

Me! Me!

Hi. I'm CJ. And I jumped ship just to blog here today.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 57: MY ONLY JOY

I still have the taste of that exceptionally BLAND lemonade in my mouth. Get it out! ...ahem.

Guess what? I'll never learn. Not what I'm supposed to learn, anyway. I don't learn life lessons, tho' I do remember them for a little while.

I have discovered that NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP
NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN
NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND AND DESERT YOU
NEVER GONNA MAKE YOU CRY
NEVER GONNA SAY GOODBYE
NEVER GONNA TELL A LIE AND HURT YOU
ARGH! Fucking Rick Astley!

Anyway. Lately, it has been apparent that I don't know IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME
PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME
PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME
NOW WHERE HE AT? WHERE HE AT? WHERE HE AT? WHERE HE AT?
NOW THERE HE GO! THERE HE GO! THERE HE GO! THERE HE GO!
PEANUT BUTTER JELLY! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY!
DO THE PEANUT BUTTER JELLY,
THE PEANUT BUTTER JELLY,
THE PEANUT BUTTER JELLY WITH A BASEBALL BAT
DO THE PEANUT BUTTER JELLY,
THE PEANUT BUTTER JELLY,
THE PEANUT BUTTER JELLY WITH A BASEBALL BAT
...what is it with that banana?

ANY WAY. As I was saying IN AD 2101, WAR WAS BEGINNING.
WHAT HAPPEN?
SOMEONE SET UP US THE BOMB.
WE GET SIGNAL.
WHAT!
MAIN SCREEN TURN ON.
IT'S YOU!
HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN!!
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US.
YOU ARE ON THE WAY TO DESTRUCTION.
WHAT YOU SAY!!
YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME.
HA HA HA.
TAKE OFF EVERY ZIG.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DOING.
MOVE ZIG. FOR GREAT JUSTICE!
.......finished?

I dunno. It seems like every time I try to start a sentence, an early Internet meme turns up and wrecks what I'm about to WANT PIE NOW.
LO BOB. YOU HAVE PIE?
YES.
ME LIKE PIE.
YES.
PIE IS GOOOOOD!
MMMMM! PIE.
MMMMMMMM!
PIE.
PIE PIE PIE PIE PIE PIE PIE.
MMMM! PIE.
PIE!!!!!
OW.
WHEN COME BACK BRING PIE.
WANKER.
will these memes please FUCK OFF?

What the hell's coming up next? LOLcats or something stupid like that? I mean, hell, it's downright I HATE TO INTERRUPT YOU, CJ CURRY, AND I'MMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT CORY DOCTOROW HAD ONE OF THE BEST BLOGS OF ALL TIME! OF ALL TIME!
damn it.

I'm going to go before more rogue memes take a hold. Next post will be in Currified Engrish, rather than auto-translated EngriBADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER MUSHROOM MUSHROOM
BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER MUSHROOM MUSHROOM
BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER
AAH SNAKE AAH SNAKE! ARGH, IT'S A SNAKE! OOH, IT'S A SNAKE...
ugh.

Later

--C.

May 15, 2010

Curry-boy also has a genesis.

Hi. I'm CJ. And this is my story.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 56: WHERE DID THE CURRY COME FROM?

You. Yeah, you. You who is reading my blog. You know me as CJ Curry, blogger extraordinaire, from Curryland. But hell, you don't know the half of it. So I'm going to tell you about how I came to be CJ Curry. But first, a quick update on my progress on the run.

Those who have good memories or access to my previous blogs will note that I have been on the run from Curryland police for the last 16 posts. I got kicked out of my old office and decided to create a ninja broadcast of the CJ Curry Experience. Unfortunately, they got wind of it and the feds are on my tail. It's getting harder and harder to come up with quality material and broadcast secretly at the same time. Fortunately, I have contacts in the fuzz... unfortunately I'm running out of bribe money. If you can send me a spare helicopter, by all means do so.

So. Where did CJ Curry come from?

I was born to my parents, BJ and Joy Curry. My grandfather is AJ Curry. This makes sense in ways you can't even begin to understand. I was born in Curryland's capital city, Currytopia, in the hospital on Curry Drive. I grew up on Curry Avenue, and my best friends were Vinnie Vindaloo and Josh Rogan. Both of them have left Curryland, though they have been in touch lately.

Growing up, I found that curry was my favourite food. It was our national dish, so it was pretty easy to like it. Pretty much every day, I'd have dinner and then go and play in Currytopia's streets until late at night, before coming home to an after-dinner kebab (curry-flavoured, of course) and a drink of warm milk before bed.

I learned computer hacking from the streets (where everybody did it) and decided to become a white-hat hacker. Ultimately, it failed as I washed my hat in with my T-shirt, and now I'm a yellow-hat hacker. I also excelled at card tricks; I would often wile away the hours making credit cards disappear and magically reappear.

My first job was a curry chef. Yes, chef as a first job. They liked me so much at Currytopia's top restaurant, and they also saw my potential as a curry masterchef. Currytopia thought of the idea of a "masterchef" long before the popular TV show, but that said, we also dropped the idea as being "ridiculous".

I learned cynicism, scarcasm, sardonicism and mathematics at Curryland's top university. I graduated with honours (although I failed at mathematics). I bought myself a Volkswagen, and applied for a job at Curryland Media as a blogger. I got the job once they saw my yellow hat... but not a job as a blogger. I started writing for the sake of writing, and you can see the results here. They decided to make me their blogger anyway.

Then they kicked me out at the end of last year after refusing to renew me.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU--

But that's all in the past.

Later

--C.

May 9, 2010

Join me.

Hi. I'm CJ. And I am not Catherine Deveny or Miranda Devine, but I do want to offend you.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 55: UNIX SPELLED BACKWARDS IS... XINU

So what's happening in the world?

Well, to start with, England has a small issue with a hung parliament. Tho' why a parliament would want to commit suicide is beyond me.

An earthquake has gone all "zap zap" on Jakarta. Tsunami alerts have been cancelled and the worst tsunami so far was 8 inches high.

It's Mum's day in some parts of the world. Hi, Mums! Thanks for shoving us out of your wombs in an especially undignified manner, in order to make us appear more dignified later in life.

The World Cup is a month away, and so is E3. The worlds of sports and leisure are really kicking in right now... and it's winter here in Curryland. Hate.

And that's it for world news. Except it isn't. Look it up yourself, lazy bum.

See, I'd like a few more crackers. Except people don't have crackers. They don't like crackers. But I like crackers. I remember crackers when crackers were popular. Crackers are cracky and cracked. I want crackers.

I have a project. If you know my project, you'll know that it's been on indefinite hiatus. That indefinite hiatus is more definite now. I shall begin more work on it within the week, month, couple of months. Maybe? But I'll keep going on it.

I enjoy your company. Now, enjoy mine. DO IT.

It has occurred to me that I am running out of randomness. Your mother.

Send me more ideas, or I might start on the reviews. And hell, you won't be letting me do that now, will you? Send the ideas to CJ Curry, c/o the postbox to Hell, 666 Curry Road, Curryland. Entries must be sent on a piece of paper shaped like Elvis Presley in order to be posted. Do it. Please, do it quickly!

wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii mario kart wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

I must away to eat...
some...
food.

FEED ME.

I WANT FOOD.

NOMS.

TASTY FOOD.

WANT.

NOW.

EAT.

Never mind, I've had food.

Later

--C.

May 3, 2010

Oh yes... there will be dance.

Hi. I'm CJ. And I just won five million Zimbabwe dollars.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 54: THERE IS NO STOPPING ME NOW!

Pics of the Zombie Shuffle are up! Gruesome! (nr 20 is moi. please treat with respect.)

And away we go.











I told you. Away I went. Never mind, let the fun begin!

Apparently my readership is expanding. Yay! I now have two regular readers instead of one! Thank you, Reuters! ...well, something like that, anyway. So I must write the following obligatory message: any complaints about my blogging can be sent straight to Curryland Media, PLC, and any congratulations can be sent to me.

It has been a long time since I mentioned aeroplanes. I realise that aeroplanes look somewhat like fighter jets when they scream over at night. Which reminds me of Tomorrow, When The War Began. Of which there shall soon be a film. Happies!

A few words from our sponsor:

HATLESS. ADJECTIVE. HAVING NO HAT.

The broken computer sitting next to me is pretty far from dead weight. That's right, it's live weight. Don't touch it, it'll hurt you. Those jaws it has are pretty nasty.

I need snacky goodness! But I can't drive! I have alcohol in me! Baaaaaaaaad. BAD Curry-boy.

Has it ever occurred to you that the best things in this life are indeed free? Sit back and enjoy sounds once in a while. Sounds are awesome. Sounds are friendly and nice and definitely not scary at all, because sounds don't mean anything unless they are accompanied by images. Ooh, images. This is why I don't like watching horror movies, but I won't mind listening in on one. Yeah, I'm weird, I know. Hell, I hate cola and I once had a bad experience with whisky... but I love whisky and cola. Delicious.

Wait, what? Where was I?

You might remember a few posts back I asked seven questions. Those seven questions have demanded to make a return. I agreed, but they had to get changed first.
  • WHEN did you start blogging?
    About this time thirteen months ago. I think. I'm not reliable with numbers.
  • WHO is your favourite person?
    I have different favourites for different situations.
  • WHERE do you keep your spare key?
    I don't exactly have a spare key.
  • WHAT is the average velocity of an unladen swallow?
    I believe you'll find that it's between 30 and 40 clicks, but their top speed is something like 60 clicks.
  • WHY is my underwear sticky?
    Because you just sat on a chocolate pie.
  • WHICH do you prefer: lateral thinking puzzles or sex?
    Ha. No competition there.
  • HOW will you beat the clock?
    CLOCK! Wahoo!
I wish you all a speedy euphoria.

Later

--C.
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