October 26, 2009

Me, you, and joy.

Don't break.

Welcome back to the CJ Curry Experience. We swear that you'll enjoy yourself here... but we also swear that swearing will get you in trouble with the law. YMMV, DYOT.

Please don't break.

POST 36: A POST-APOCALYPTIC WORLD ALL GONE SANE... WAT

I say. Do you wish to partake in a pot of tea? Very well. I shall put the water on the cooking top to boil. In the meantime, I will tell you - yet again - where to send any donations to. As you may well know, CJ Curry Studios is running short of episode ideas to put into the canon. (That is not a misspelling.) If you have any ideas, send $499.90 (in cash only, please) to CJ Curry Studios, CJ Curry Land, Currytopia (postal code 7729542-A) by Monday, 26th October, 2009. Stuff your envelope into the nearest tree, cluck like a chicken four times, and fly east 200 metres for the teleportation beam to activate.

Au revoir, Simone... don't break.

Half of you reading this - in other words, half a person - will be aware that I am fuelled not by coffee, adrenaline, sugar, or even Berocca. I'm actually running on business cards at the moment. Tasty, delicious business cards!

It's... um... warm. Outside. I'm warm. I'm not outside. Urgh, machinery outside my window. Machinery headed this way. Machinery coming straight towards my window OH GOD THEY'VE CAUGHT ME






don't break






Ba HA! The pot of tea rusted that machine's ass! I win! And now we can get back to the Experience.

Hm. Let's pick out a few random cards out of a deck, and let them tell us my fortune.
  1. Three of hearts. That's representative of how many I'll break this year. (That is, 365 days.)
  2. Two of diamonds. I wish I had two diamonds. Selly selly!
  3. Three of spades. I'm gonna dig three graves this year.
  4. Four of spades. Make that four graves.
  5. Eight of hearts. What a shitful hand for poker!
I have class. No, seriously, I have class. It's a maths class. Plus, I have the other definition of class. I'm classy! Back soon.

**************************************

I'm back! And I'm on a hill! It's not a boat, but a hill is good too!

Anyway. Back to the post. It's a nice day out here in Curryland, with the sunshine and the snow. Snow... wait, what? Oh right. Thems are soap flakes. Soap flakes... wait, what? OI! CUT IT OUT, YOU!

...ahem. Don't break.

Anyway, this is Axis. He has something to say to you:
"cheese."
And to that, I reply:
"lemmings."
And this is Milly-Grace, and she says:
"monkeys, in actual fact, are NOT cute. They are endearing, but NOT cute."
And this is Flippa, and she says:
"the triangles are not actually square."
Thanks guys, you make this blog more... bloggy.

aaaaaaaaaaaaand now it looks like they're throwing down for a game of One Touch. Seeya.

Credits (listed in order of appearance)
CJ Curry               Ringo Starr
The Blog Kevin Rudd
CJ's Computer Ron Weasley
Milly-Grace Jennifer Hawkins
Axis Rowan Atkinson
Flippa Lara Bingle
Gaffer Pope John Paul II
Best Boy Pope Benedict V
Moose Trainer Jackie Chan
Cheese-eating Surrender Monkey
Jean-Claude van Damme
Assistant to the Director's Assistant's Assistant
Chas Licciardello
Special Thanks Jim Henson
Producer Jerry Seinfeld

October 22, 2009

Step one: throw back head. Step two: laugh. Step three: repeat step two constantly.

SYNÆSTHESIA

OH YES

SYNÆSTHESIA

...ahem. That would be the Scotch and cola talking. Now, shift over, Mister Cola, it's my turn.

SYNÆSTHESIA

Oi! Out of my chair!

And, now that we have that little unpleasantness out of the way, welcome back to the CJ Curry Experience. We promise that we will either entertain you, or make you vomit into your own scorn. Well, not necessarily scorn.

Blargh?

POST 35: KISS ME, I'M A BLOGGER

********************************************
We interrupt this regularly scheduled blog to bring you a breaking news story.

Terrorists have successfully managed to gain access to some of the world's most inconspicuous explosives, and are slowly but surely detonating them in proximity of the world's largest glass dome. The glass is slowly breaking. More news from that horrible, horrible pun later on this evening.
********************************************

...and he practically yells, "You idiot horse! I said POSSE!"

Best joke in the world. Srsly.

And now, the best quote I've heard all year:

FLUPPY -- Is that a yellow pen?
CJ CURRY -- No, it's yell- oh...

Wait, what? That was me making a fool of myself. Oh well. And now, I present to you a small box.

_
| |
uh... how d'you make the bottom of the box?

But never mind that. ASCII wins anyway. And so does Avicii. And Ryskee. And Miike Snow. And all those other questionably-spelt artists. Todd Terje is a major win IMHO.

Gyah. Brain no worky.

I must remember to give my regards to the air. It's been a bright, sunshiney week so far. Which has been particularly mindfucky for people who are not used to this kind of treatment by the weather. Such as me.

FUCKCOMMAMUNCHING WEATHER

...ahem. (must remember to get me some Ventolin)

A few random thoughts before I sign off:

Given that life on Earth is temporary and short, then this sentence is a non-sequitur.
Junk in this dimension is junk in another dimension is junk in yet another dimension. It's still junk.
Squeek!
Erm... cats can't fly?

And that, my friend(s), is all. For today, at least. End of Season 2 coming up in 5 posts! Secrets shall be revealed in Post 40! Names shall be named. That's the only hint I'm giving. BAI!

Credits (listed in order of appearance)
CJ Curry               William Shakespeare
The Blog James Joyce
CJ's Computer Francis Bacon
Glass Leo Tolstoy
Posse Jane Austen
Ascii Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Mindfuck William Wordsworth
Electrician Edgar Allen Poe
Plumber Vidiadhar Surajprasad Naipaul
Carpenter Alfred Tennyson
Painter Phillip K. Dick
Special Thanks Ray Lawler
Producer Andy Griffiths

October 15, 2009

The sweetest song, the saddest song.

srsly, though, forget about C++ being my bitch.

Welcome back to the CJ Curry Experience. Big shout outs to the one person who reads my blog: you know who you are.

Poems! They all speak to us, they all tell stories, they all want us to listen to them just so that we can feel better about our shitty little existence and sympathise with the characters having even shitter existences. From the mouths of prats in turtlenecks and beatniks at open-mics - with some exceptions (good old William - we used to call him "Spearey" back in the day) - they say everything whilst writing nothing. Enjoy mine.

(Incidentally, I fall under the "prats in turtlenecks" category, even though I don't own a single turtleneck. If you don't fall under either category, too bad. You're an exception.)

POST 34: YOUR MOTHER WRITES POST-MODERN POETRY!

UNTITLED

I hold you close
and I feel
a warm summer breeze on my neck
the soft touch of feathers on my back
silky smooth hair against my hand
and I hear
your gentle breathing,
soft and light
and relaxing
and I see
nothing but you,
your eyes, your hair, your face
the essence of my life
and I smell
your scent on your neck
it comforts me and mellows me
it is like no other in the world
I hold you close
and I can't let go

Afterthought: Ten points for guessing what my inspiration was. That's right - it was my computer.


THE MOON

At first, it is white
With maybe a blue tinge too
A beautiful sight

Then it is orange
But still nice and visible
Romantic to watch

Slowly it turns red
Getting harder to see now
Many eyes are strained

Deep against the night
It gets darker and darker
Slowly fades away

Finally, it's black
It is now no longer new
But quite out of sight

You can't see it now
The air, thick with smog and fumes
Our lungs will be next

Afterthought: not a pleasant thought, is it?


SLEEP

Creeping darkness
'Cross my eyes
Fall unconscious
Energise
Vivid pictures
In my mind
Alarm bell would be
So unkind


Afterthought: I could do with another one of those lucid dream things...


UNIVERSITY**

i think it was the petrichor -
the smell of rain after a long dry spell -
that woke me up.

i had left the window open
the light on
my curtains twitched open.

it was nearing the end of a nice, cool, fresh day.
light, fluffy clouds,
sunlight threatening to break through at any moment.
a soft breeze, making the curtains flap and flutter.

i lifted my head from my keyboard.

i saw, on the monitor, my assignment.
an hour ago, it had been intelligible.
now, a steady stream of 'x's filled the screen.

and suddenly,
gone were the smell
the sight
the warm glow i had felt

the assignment's due in two hours
and it's only half done
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xxxxxxx

i hope that "xxxxxxxxxx" counts as one word
because there's no way i can finish this on time

well, better get going...

Afterthought: Based on a true story. I less-than-three petrichor.


TIME

i've lost track of the days
they come slowly
leave quickly

time is... a luxury
we can't afford it
we save it when we can
we plan it carefully

we all want more time
but
the time gods have better ideas

and they sentence us to an eternity
of procrastination
of too many tasks
of plans going awry
and - this is the best part, say the gods -
of time never flowing the way
we want it to

who can sleep soundly
knowing they have deadlines?

who can relax themselves
with assignments nagging at them?

who can go on a holiday
when there's too much to do at home?

and suddenly, it's neither slow enough
nor fast enough...

Afterthought: ...which is part of C++ not being my bitch.


**To those already familiar with this one, yes, I have included it elsewhere in a different format. I modified it slightly - and badly - but still, I like it.

Incidentally, have a happy "Fuck You" Friday!

Credits (listed in order of appearance)
CJ Curry               Vance Musgrove
The Blog Mikah Freeman
CJ's Computer Julian Hamilton
Moon Kim Moyes
Lungs Nick Littlemore
The 'X' Key Peter Mayes
The Time Gods Garry Cobain
Publicity Brian Dougans
Drunken Idiots C/- Mike Stroud
Personal Trainer Evan Mast
Foley Mixer Warren Fischer
Scriptwriter Casey Spooner
Special Thanks Ben Watt
Producer Tracey Thorn

October 9, 2009

I win at life. Srsly. Maybe. Perhaps. OK, fine, I don't.

boolean assignmentDefeated = true;
boolean gotCricketMatch = true;
boolean isNowStudyMentor = true;
boolean hasHaircut = true;

...which, loosely translated, means FUCK YEAH!

Welcome back to the CJ Curry Experience. We endorse Boxxy, Gary Brolsma, the O Rly owls, Rickrolls, AYBABTU, Win/Fail, Peanut Butter Jelly Time, lolCats, and other assorted memes. However, we do not endorse rogue Kanye Wests.

This is Part 2 of a non-backspace... erm... thing. Direct from Windoze Shitsta! NOW WE PROBLEMS!

POST 33: THIS IS THE LIFE...

In case you're wondering, we have many mane memes. Memes are things like Numa Numa and
LolCats that get posted and /b/astardised to the point where it just doesn't get funny any more. I mean it isn't funny any more. Fuck this backspace thing.

Other examples include the Rule 34 meme, the triforce, newfags, and to a lesser extent, win and ail. Waht, what>? Win anf fail are used the MOSTY, you idiot! CJ is a newfag.

Now to see if I can triforce:
▲ ▲
...oh shit!

/me is a newfag. Oh wells.

I have an obsession. That obsession is yu. Deal with.

And, now, in the name of all that is good and musicky, I present to thee: nothing! Take that.

well, I do present to you a present. In it is...
..nothing!

And in that nothing is another nothing. Nothing!

As I was wakling down the staid (rdammir this stupid non-backspace thing is hurtiong)
I ment a man who wasn't there. (i wsear, i want to edit this post... but that would break the rules!
He wasn't there again today. (By the way, it was meant to say "met", not "meant".)
I hope that man will go away...

Anyway. I love this blog. I don't want it to go away. But I has to. Soon. Well, not permamently. I hope. And you hope. Hee...

Aeroplane. Maybe. Friendly fires. Fedinitely. Ramona ... lolwut?

WTF
WTF
WYG
WTF
WYF
WTF
WYTF
WT
WTF
WTF

um. backspace has been re-enabled. I wil now go and hunt down my superioes at CJ Curry Studios to aslaughter them all for disbling my backspace key.

FUCK IT'S NOT RE-ENABLED YEYT I WILL THAT IS I UM ...

...I'll see you chumps next post. I have some bashing to do.

Credits (listed in order of appearance)
CJ Curry               Numa Numa
The Blog LOLcat
CJ's Computer Boxxy
Backspace ????? PROFIT
Triforce mudkipz
Script All Your Base
Rickroll provided by Rick Astley
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP
Animal Control         O RLY
Me Win
You Fail
Cameras Daft Hands
Delete key stolen by Ceiling Cat
Special Thanks Rule 34
Producer /b/ and /b/tards

October 3, 2009

I used to dance with my daddy...

Let us begin. And this time, we shall begin properly. I mean it.

Welcome Back to the CJ Curry Experience. The all-new, un-backspaced iedition!

N

I thought it would be fun to play without backspaces for a post or two. Matter of fact, this shall be th first of a double header. The other shall be a Windows edition. I mean Windoze. You will see missing or superfluous lettersL: don't panic! You'll also see me saying "I mean..." a lot. Maybe.

POST 32: OH NOES, CURRY MAN CAN'T SPELL!

Anyway. Lots to have been happening this weekend. And lots that didn't evd up happening. Curse! Bats. Curse! Snakes. Curse! Something or other.

I liek my life. DANG! Stupid misspelled wiords that come out to e perfect anyway. DO NOT LIKE! I mean, DO NOT LIEK! I mean... WHAT!?

...anyway. Apparently, the winner is Rio de Janeiro. Should I capitalise the D in "de"? I don't understand spanish capitalisation rules. Or German ones. All I know about Germa is one wholly inappropriate phrase: "Mein schlange ist ein flammenwurfer" or nowever it's spelt. Something like that. You can look it up to see what it means, I'm not going to repeat it here. (Yeah, we're sick sick minded guys here a Curry Studois.)

I has Sundownb Syndrome.

You can thank Tame Impala for tht. Man they sound old school. They could be the fucking Beatles if they wanted.

I hear someone using Skype... or something beeping at laest. Could even be a multi-stage fitness test. Hold on a minute...

********************************

...erm, how do I put this? it seems to be getting louder?

But anyway. Could be just my imagination. It could also be a dodgy smoke alarm otr a dodgy speaker or something. Yes, I have speakers!!! Meow.

Either way, it's coming from the room next to me. Yow.

Pretty soon, I shall have to evacuate. I apoloise in advance byut I can honestly claim no responsibility for lack of enjoyment of this blog. Which is still, by the way, the only M-rated blog in history to be self-referential, pretentious AND M-raed. How's THAT! The only M-rated blog that's M-rated. (Man, I ned to show this to the Office of Film and Literature Classification...)

I wish to ... erm... I sish to jump off a cliff and land safely? I dunno.

OWCH

STATIC
HURTS
PAINFULLY

meh. I forget the pain after the wound recover.

And, by the way, my wristwatch triggers my electronic lock! ...but it doesn't open it. That would have been awesome.

My love sees you...

Credits (listed in order of appearance)
CJ Curry               Daryl Somers
The Blog Ossie Ostrich / Ernie Carroll
CJ's Computer Dickie Knee
Backspace Ian "Molly" Meldrum
Static Redmond "Red" Symonds
Tame Impala Andrew Fyfe
Quality Control Russell Gilbert
Cameras Wilbur Wilde
Lights Livinia Nixon
Sound Effects John Blackman
Grip Trevor Marmalade
Delete key stolen by Jacki McDonald
Special Thanks Jo Beth Taylor
Producer Plucka Duck
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