October 29, 2010

Cups.

(rated M for Mature content: contains red lines and Sharpies)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we lifted a shop above our heads, comprehensively reviewed every RTS game ever made, and bought some zombie artifacts.

And coming up today: we interview Brisbane, Perth, Adelaide, Melbourne and Sydney about whether Hobart should get more sporting events, jump on a few wet pointy sticks, and juggle flaming chopsticks until our eyes get sore.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 79: PISTOLWHIP IS A KICKASS SONG!

I've been blasted lately for having a Mac. Yeah, that's right, I have a Max. My Mix is now over two years old, and outperforming one-year-old PCs. Plus, a Mos comes with components that actually work. The Mur OS is a thing of beauty, whereas Windoze is not. Also, Maw peripherals are very cute. And this is why I have a Mug.

I've been accused lately of being happy. Lies and slander, I say! Blasphemy! I'm not happy, I'm fucking euphoric! OK? Get it right!

I've been told lately I'm going to do a good job. Yeah, cool, but that doesn't stop me from feeling way too young! This is the ONLY thing I'm complaining about. I'm going to make stuff up as I go along, I'm not going in totally blindly kthx. ...actually, yes I am. This is blind. Objectivity is going to be a rare and expensive gift. Someone give me objectivity for Christmas!

AEROPLANE

I've been informed lately that I'm back at uni for another year. This is helpful, because this means you guys get more Experienced. Actually, I'm thinking about renaming it "The CJ Curry Project". No, wait. "The CJ Curry Idea". Maybe "CJ Curry: To Infinity And Beyond"? Nah. "A Tale Of Two Curries". Something.

I've been notified lately about the worrying state of weather that this world has entered into. It's very worrying that there is weather. I mean, weather really doesn't do us humans much good, does it? Sign a petition online to try and ban weather, whether that weather is naughty or nice. I'll get the results back to you as soon as I can.

I can't think of any more decent synonyms for "told" so I'll just jump straight into what I always wanted to do with this blog, which is insert a whole bunch of nothing in for no apparent reason.








And now I'll write something here, just so that it looks like I've stopped the blank. But I haven't.










And then I'll start writing again.

I'm impressed at your ability to keep reading this blog after 79 posts. Especially the most pretentious, self-deprecating M-rated blog ever, even though it hasn't called itself pretentious for ages, and has never called itself self-deprecating. But I'm impressed nonetheless. It's a good way to show that any Tom, Dick or Harry can make a blog and blog until the cows come home, even though nothing of any significance happens. And on that note, I have cows to take home.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we trek through the wilderness of Tasmania, play Bok until our drawing hands collapse, and sit down with a few hundred DVDs and throw them at a wall.

October 24, 2010

I told you to do WHAT?

(rated M for Mature content: contains a little bit of this and a little bit of that)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we discovered the optimal time for growing pet rocks, were read our Miranda rights, and watched a hi-def version of There Will Be Brawl on a low-def TV.

And coming up today: we show you five creative ideas to do with icecream container lids, threw caution to the four winds, and relaxed with our toes pointing towards the sun.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 78: WHEN TWO TRIBES GO TO WAR...

It's pretty clear to me that this blog needs some sort of order or structure. But that's not happening. Mainly because for the last week my brain has been halfway between "squeeeeeeeeeeeeeee neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep" and "ffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-". So I have no structure. None whatsoever. And I'm definitely not putting in an order. Nope. Not putting in an order for a dozen cheese biscuits. None. Not happening. No.

Just you remember that there is a life where everything is possible and nothing is impossible. But it isn't this life, and we're all stuck here on Earth with no escape and no change and cake. Cake gooooooooooooooooood.

too excited too excited TOO EXCITED. Or anxious. Or nervous. Or something like that. I don't know any more.

I wore a bag on my head! And I have a pen! It's a ballpoint, and not a fountain. Fountains are too big to fit into my pocket. Seriously. Have you ever tried to stuff a fountain into a pocket? It's like trying to get a very big item into a very small opening. It just doesn't work.

You need to subscribe to the tutorial of Two Tennis Balls. I'd suggest it's a good idea to do so right now. Fire $45,294.95 (and a half) to CJ Curry at CJ Curry, Earth. Send it with a free haircut coupon for your chance to win.

Pasta.

I wore a bag on my head! And it's a very chilly night. Maybe a cold freezin' night? Maybe it's a cooler couleur? Or maybe not. We're still in that springy thingy in Curryland. And Australia. It's rumoured that they're one and the same. But that's not true.

Telephony. That's a word that sounds like "fake television". But it isn't. I agree, it sounds like a bad word. So does "flatulence". And "pre-empt". But they all have their uses.

Please support me when I have a good year next year, because it's going to be one hell of a challenge! siege-ay.blogspot.com is where to go. All you have to do is watch me. Yes, watch me. Don't stalk me. Just watch. Watch. Wristwatch.

I wore a bag on my head! And the soundlab is on. Time for me to go and relax somewhat!

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we use a fan to splat flies, teach you how to grow your own water balloon, and investigate the Eiffel Tower's dirty little secret.

October 19, 2010

Fool! I will crush you!

(rated M for Mature content: contains a clock and two pieces of string)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we hacked Facebook with Twitter accounts, jumped off a bridge that was two feet above water, and worked all night on making things good.

And coming up today: we sample some delicious delights of the tasty snacky goodness kind, run until our feet get sore, and push a yak off Mount Rushmore.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 77: MUSIC. MUST HAVE MUSIC.

I'm a generous person. So I'm going to give you a glimpse of exactly what music genres tickle my boat, and float my fancy.
  • HOUSE - the staple of my diet. 130 beats per minute of everything beautiful and often electronic. I hella respect the old stuff, but a fair bit less of the older stuff. I've barely seen proper house for ages, it's all subgenres now.
    • GRUNGY HOUSE - I call it grungy house because to my ears it sounds a bit grungy. Some of it is good, but a lot of it isn't. Think some of Vandalism's more recent work, or Angger Dimas, or Major Lazer. Not much behind it but a beat, maybe a bassline if you're lucky, and naught but a computer bleep or synth whine. and a vocal track. Very minimalistic, but I prefer a lot more substance in my house. Best example in pop culture would be Pon De Floor.
    • ELECTRO HOUSE - this isn't the computer bleeps of grunge, this is the sound saturation of The Aston Shuffle, The Bloody Beetroots and everything else that has the potential to completely rape your eardrums, but somehow never ends up doing so. Listening to electro house at 120dB is like having a hot shower - you know it's hurting you but you feel very comfortable letting it wash over you.
    • PROGRESSIVE HOUSE - liquid. Fucking liquid music. The golden years of progressive house are still happening right now, despite progressive trance having passed its prime. This is the repetitive, hypnotic beat and bassline that a lot of people fob off as being boring. I say you're not listening right, and I say you need to listen to it longer. Progressive takes a while to get going and it takes a while for you to notice differences in the patterns that the artists follow. Adam K, deadmau5 and John Dahlbäck are probably some of the better progressive artists, but I like a song called Downpipe most of all. (I refuse to give you the radio edit.)
    • BIG HOUSE - another term I've made up. This stuff is a dying art, giving way to grungy house, but I guess it had its place. Kind of a lighter electro house with a lot of generic female vocals attached to it. Slower trance without the trance. Get me? No? Try Soul Avengerz, or the Freemasons, or the Shapeshifters, or September (though I'm not as much of a fan of September's work). It's good if done well. Otherwise it sounds too much like Katy Perry on a bad day.
  • TRANCE - this stuff is far too much win to be ignored. Faster house to get me energised, or motivate my running. Especially Set In Stone. But enough about that. A lot of trance is also very hypnotic, and tends to follow a pattern of build-up-energy, release-that-energy, start-again. Especially if it's a compilation. Break down, build up, sound explosion. Not only that, it's hella emotional too. You get all the happy, feelgood tracks like Sandstorm by and In My Heart; the total energisers such as Every Day, Every Moment, Every Time; the saddening beats of Diamondback and The Loves We Lost; then those that are halfway between happy and sad, like half of Lost Tribe's best work. My all-time favourite is Taurine (Super 8 Remix). Goes from one extreme to the next real quick. But yeah, because it covers that wide range of emotions it means I can be totally bipolar and have a good excuse for it. I say that because I like knowing who I am, and messing with my emotions is actually a good way for me to get to know who I am.
    • PSYTRANCE - the words "Infected Mushroom" sound like a horribly bad reCAPTCHA at first (NSFW) but I tell you what, the music those guys make is about as psychedelic as you can get while still being trance. The stuff that evolved out of Goa Trance with the screech of an electric guitar being put to an actual good use, instead of making them whine and scream for mercy in a shitty rock or metal song. Try the Mushroom. Else try Logic Bomb or Wizzy Noise.
    • PROGRESSIVE TRANCE - dead. Still left a huge legacy. Still finds a place in my playlist and my heart and is apparently beginning to undergo a revival. Good, because I sure as hell hope so. Greece 2000 is possibly the best known track from that era, along with Café Del Mar by Energy 52 (which of course sounds NOTHING like the actual Café Del Mar. See below).
  • NRG and ACID - basically one and the same with a few subtle differences. But nothing about these genres is subtle. This is the stuff you Melbourne Shuffle to... and hope that it doesn't get played for more than about fifteen minutes at a time. In small doses it's good. In large doses it screams out "RAPE" in your brain and tries to throttle you something shocking. Sometimes, something genuinely decent comes out of the pits of NRG Hell, namely No More Fucking Rock And Roll. This is by a guy who calls himself A*S*Y*S, or Acid*Save*Your*Soul. Rhymes nicely with the song title.
  • MINIMAL or MICROHOUSE - I don't like the term "Microhouse" for this music but I suppose a lot of people know it as microhouse. This soft stuff is usually my kind of music after a night out, or during a quiet night in, or at night when I want to feel lonely but not alone. (It's the best feeling in the world, but only if you deliberately set out to feel it.) Microhouse is essentially minimalistic and slowed-down house. A lot of German producers are getting in on this stuff. In fact, there's a compilation of it released every year. Superpitcher, Michael Mayer and Gui Boratto do this genre justice.
  • CHILLOUT - kind of tying in with the previous genre, chillout is... chilled. Café Del Mar does this well (and as a result, I've developed soft spots for Latin and acid jazz music as well). That said, they're not the only ones. Ministry Of Sound puts out a Chillout Session every year or so, though the second disc is more of a slower house disc than chillout. Still pretty chilled though.
    • AMBIENT - going back to MoS, usually the first disc has some good ambient tracks in amongst the indie stuff. One artist I'd love to see on there (but probably never will) is Aphex Twin. He has a few heavier electronic tracks, but tunes like Fingerbib and IZ-US are my favourite ambient tunes from his work. This is the stuff you listen to on a hot afternoon when you can't be bothered getting up for fear of sweating your balls off, or at night-time any time (except at a club ofc).
    • DUBSTEP - dubstep <3. The genre that is starting to emerge, especially on shows like Triple J's Soundlab, and stuff that is amazing to listen to (probably even more awesome if you're stoned). I listened to a dubstep remix of Teenage Dream the other day, and despite barely counting as dubstep it was still a million times better than the original. No jokes. It's a cross between chillout and drum 'n' bass. And speaking of which...
  • DRUM 'N' BASS - "silly, happy party music", says Ishkur. "Silly, happy party music", agrees CJ Curry. It's a 150bpm romp of kickass jumping up and trying to make it look like you're dancing. This stuff dominates my ideal driving music. John B does it, but he doesn't take it seriously or politically correct. Hell, one of his best known songs (thanks in part to a very handy flash animation) is American Girls. (Barely SFW) This is a genre I desperately need more of.
  • EXPERIMENTAL - oh yes. Of course, we all know that not every experiment in music works, but my God some of them turn out brilliant. Yppah turned out brilliant. Black Moth Super Rainbow turned out brilliant. Ratatat turned out brilliant. There's more but I don't have a decent enough character limit for them. Experiments, especially electronic experiments (because, my God, we've experimented traditional instruments and electric guitars to death already) are well worth a listen in case you uncover something cool. Alternative radio stations are good for that.
Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we pretend this never happened, show you fifty ways to reveal your biggest secret, and tell plenty of New Zealand jokes.

October 15, 2010

Too much too fast!

(rated M for Mature content: contains wet weather)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience, we all talked about a fireside favourite, visited the Neverhood and the land of Zonk, and played with our money before eating it.

And coming up today: we insert a DVD into a CD drive, chat with the inventor of the round hole, and suck on a cough drop.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 76: WHAT?

For best results, this experience should be listened to with the music of your choosing. Not for any particular reason - just because music deserves to be played. (I can haz house music pls?)

(defun awesomeness(a b c) (+ a b c))
This looks really simple, but it shows the awesomeness of this blog. Especially when a = π, b = ø and c = e.

Today is wet and rusting. I mean, hell. Look outside! Wet! Rusting! And beer! We all love beer! Except me. I apologise to he who calls himself Saxx, but no. Beer is not my beer. Spirits are my beer and beer is my chinotto.

Oh yeah, and there was no sleep for the wicked last night either.

Let's all talk about refrigerators! They are white, much like Macintoshes. They are computers, much like ENIAC. It was an acronym, much like QANTAS. It's an airline, much like United. It's a word, much like joy. It's a concept, much like cheese biscuits. They are delicious delights, much like pie. And it all comes back to televisions.

It's coming back to you, isn't it? The feeling of regret you first had when you saw this blog? The acid jazz, balloons and felt-tip pens running through your mind must have been excruciating. But I broke you in, not 75 episodes ago, by telling you I can eat a Pounder burger. I don't think I can do that any more. Wait, actually, yes I can.

What is my suggestion for a long life? "See no evil. Hear no evil. Eat no evil."
What is my favourite character? The letter X.
Where was the cheezors today? In your underpants.

how does it feel
to treat me like you do

what do you feel
when you let go of the wheel

how does it feel
to wake up and smell the wind

Alright, that's enough of my music collection. Except for Swag. Fuck you, Axis, for addicting me. Also fuck you to Deejah for addicting me to Supermassive Black Hole some years ago.

So, what's outside my window now?
Rain.
Rain.
Rainy.
Rain.

Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain.*

I believe it's time.

*with apologies to Mason Williams

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience, we teach you that WD40 is a lubricant, comprehensively review every single word on every single page of House Of Leaves, and take a camera around with us at all times.

October 9, 2010

We must rebuild!

(rated M for Mature content: contains a troll, which should not be fed)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience, we snuck a laptop playing Rick Astley underneath someone's door, wrote "THE GAME" in a search bar, and brought up an image of Trollface on that sam person's desktop for teh epic lulz.

And coming up today: we debate the ethics of all-night Lord Of The Rings marathons followed by CPR refresher classes, lengthen our pants legs by an inch each, and pay $675 for a 10kg (22lb) block of snacky goodness.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 75: THREE-QUARTERS OF THE WAY TO 100!*

*Alternative title: TWO-QUARTERS-TWO-DIMES-AND-A-NICKEL OF THE WAY TO 100!

I should be sleeping. But I'm not. So here is my sleep-deprived, donut-filled Experience.

push the feeling on

Your hamster was a mother, and your elderberries smelt of your father!

duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude

WARK WARK WARK WARK WARK

*poot*

I has a battery charger.

(silenzio)

WHAT IS THIS. I DON'T EVEN.

tick. tock. tick. tock.

the house is creaking

Red dawn.

i want a pet ghost

*that sound that is made when you flick the corners of a stack of paper as if you're watching an animated drawing thing*

Aeroplanes, cheese and video games for all!

MY MOMMA TELLS ME I SHOULD STOP, GO AND GET A REAL JOB

noooooooooooooooooooooooo

Proton neutron electron meson boson quark COMBO BREAKER

I hear food.

DIVEBOMB.

You should only do what is impossible to begin with.

met car ds

I trance you.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we join forces with a speaker and microphone to take over 21 of the 50 US states, dye our hair pink with purple polka-dots, and come up with a hundred uses for beer coolers.

October 3, 2010

Video killed the blog star.

(rated M for Mature content: contains a video post)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we chatted to a PS1 and a NES about their old existences, found a wooden post and laughed at it, and waved around a fistful of fish for no apparent reason.

And coming up today: we show you a perfectly ordinary pack of cards, shove everything edible up Oprah's nose, and complain loudly about our lack of buses.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 74: THE "WE'RE SO" SPECIAL

This is a video. Please watch it. If you have a text-only feed reader, or are reading this from Facebook... well, sad. The link to this post is right here. WHAT! You can't click that link either? Go get a better computer and move to 2010 instead of living in the past.

Oh, and if you can't see the video properly (a likely story...) there's another link here. Special kickass thanks to Xtranormal for putting up with my snarky mood when I lost the first draft of this movie thing!


Whew. That was a lot of HTML. So please watch the vid and make sure my suffering wasn't in vain.

Happy Daylight Savings time!

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we watch the video again!
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