September 28, 2010

Needs more summer!

(rated M for Mature content: contains too much CJ for one to handle)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we threw one hundred old CDs like Frisbees, chatted with a small mole and his family about maple syrup, and jumped off the top of a bouncy castle.

And coming up today: we pick up a paintball gun, show you the difference between potatoes and dragons, and do fifty more legal things with a pointed stick.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 73: 8-BIT IS NOT NEARLY ENOUGH!

Today is a day of writing. So I will write! Enjoy, or I'll tear this piece of paper I'm holding. You have been warned.

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what did i do last night?

so i've woken up, not in my own bed, but on the floor just to the side of my own bed. quick assessment of the situation: headache. heavy eyelids. still wearing clothes. beside me: deck of cards. bottles.

a further inspection hears the tv running. must have turned it on last night or something. i get up, slowly, knocking a couple of bottles over in the process. the bedroom door is heavy as anything.

i'm still a little unsteady on my feet. unsure when my last drink was. still, need to save electricity. walking into the lounge, and the bright light hurts for a fraction of a second, and then...

...on the couch I see the most beautiful girl in the world, watching a movie. She is my girlfriend of eight months, and she flashes me a smile as I walk in. She'll be only too glad to fill me in on last night, but that'll have to wait until afterwards. Right now, there's more important priorities...

but of course, none of that happened. my disturbed amnesia only dreamed that. instead all i did was sit up all night, writing this story.

i'm alone.
i'm lonely.
i'm cold.

it's a wednesday. no work today. public holiday. also means everything will be shut and nobody will be out. that means there'll be nobody for me to meet.

to share my story with someone. to sit down with someone and do nothing for hours. to spoil someone and make them feel special. they keep saying i'll find someone. where? when? how? and will it be right?

3am. still awake. time for a random walk through the city, i think. lo and behold, nobody is out. until...

"Hi."

the moonlight illuminates her perfectly. the street lamps don't hurt either. dirty blonde, messy hair down to there. deep eyes. five seven, maybe five eight. a t-shirt that reads OMG WTF LOL.

we walk, we talk. we take a couple of turns that neither of us have heard of. i ask a couple of odd questions. taking the little risk here and there. and in the end, it turns out that she often goes on these walks, trying to find someone just as crazy as i am.

i won't remember the minutiae of the conversation.

eight months later, she'll be in the lounge.

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Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we show off our LISP, discover the formulæ for creating fifty megatons of ultradeath on popular video games, and suck on a lolly.

September 23, 2010

"Ohai" is a legitimate word!

(rated M for Mature content: contains graphic descriptions of my night)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we jumped into a pool full of dead piranhas, locked Linus Torvalds, Steve Jobs and Bill Gates in the same room for fifteen days straight, and discovered what an "Augury Owl" is.

And coming up today: we sit through A Cold Freezin' Night, ride our bikes until we get home, and Facebook-stalk the first fifty people to Tweet us with their MySpace address.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 72: THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE WHAT?

So it's been a great night. We had a play and I killed backstage. I also did a good job. Then a bunch of my friends decided to go "OHAI" and distract me away from my assignment with balloons and the Game and hugs. We're all hugsluts back here. Then one of my friends kissed another of my friends and we squeezed a shitload of gossip out of him and then I played Monopoly with a bunch of drunk people and hats! That's right, I remember now, there were hats. And someone bought Park Lane for some $1,500 and that pretty much ended the game because everyone has classes in the morning. Curses.

Oh and also also also also I also learned that the Earth's oblateness is 1/298 and I learned that I like the word "oblateness" and I also learned that I constantly misspell "learned" subconsciously. And I got six people to draw pictures. I like pictures. Also I showed my friendskis Brawl and New Mario Bros Wii. And played with a Sharpie. And also also fiddled with lights.

OH! And I ran out onto a stage.

ALSO ALSO ALSO! I ate half my body weight in chocolates and got addicted to a new song about bikes and I also revived Trololo and and and and also and also and also ate food.

AND!!! I also jumped.

Ooh ooh ooh! I also wrote a whole assignment in 20 minutes AND ALSO wrote more of an assignment that is supposed to be due in a week and a half and AND and and wore a hat and ran into a fire extinguisher, I got a cut and a bruise but the fire extinguisher only hurt its pride AND I ate ravioli from a can.

AND!!! I also decided that I'm not keeping a diary next year like I wanted to about two weeks ago (but I never told you) but instead I'm going to go all digital and shizz and take a picture of myself every day for a year doing all kinds of crazy rubbish like being awesome and garbage, and I might post links to the photos here but only if you're all GOOD BOYS AND GIRLS.

I ALSO DID THIS! I also discovered what it's like to be on a high without drugs or alcohol but with copious quantities of onion rings and chocolate and adrenaline and JUST PURE AWESOME.

and and and AND and AND ALSO also ALSO said the words "also" and "and" quite a lot.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we go back to simple times, discuss shampoo with the Old Spice guy, and eat the mushrooms in our hair.

September 17, 2010

Bawooooon!

(rated M for Mature content: contains joy and smashing)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience, we played frisbee with a bunch of CDs, ate our way out of trouble, and trekked through the deepest, darkest forest of the Amazon.

And coming up today: we go swimming in an estuary, show you several file tapes of winter 2008's Great Freeze, and explain, in depth, the difference between a zebra and a zubra.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 71: MASTER BAITER? MASS DEBATER? CUNNING LINGUIST?

Time to jump through another list. Video games! Specifically, Mario games! I've owned and/or played plenty of them. Time to tell you all about them, in descending order!
  • SUPA SUMASHU BURAZA WII* (Wii): Nope. Not doing this one. Not Mario enough.
  • NEW SUPER MARIO BROTHERS WII (Wii): Nice. Needs more competitive. Co-op is decent. Or at least my friends need to get better, and/or stop giggling at penguins! Still, once you get the hang of it, the penguins are useful. Penguins are fun creatures. Actually... I can see why you liked the penguins. But you killed Mario! Penguin enthusiasm ≠ good. But it also ≠ bad.
  • SUPER PAPER MARIO (Wii): Pixls! Pixls are teh win, and also teh fun. I like the fact that this is a role-playing action-adventure. Good genre-crossing is good. 20-hour storyline is 20 hours. I'd say 20 hours is about standard for a decent storyline. Oh, and there's a sufficiently hard postgame as well!
  • MARIO PARTY 8 (Wii): Intriguing enough to get me to 100% the thing, but far better for nerds and casuals who like TBS games. Generally tho', gamers tend to want RTS games. So it's good, and you need to think up some really good strategies, but not exactly my friends' pieces of lie.
  • MARIO KART WII (Wii): Zoom.
  • MARIO PARTY DS (NDS): Much the same as 8, but fractionally more fast-paced. Not a bad thing. Not a bad thing at all. Also kinda sucks to be without a DS! But enough of that. The storyline is cheap, but the games are good. I still haven't gone all 100% on the thing, but I'm getting there.
  • NEW SUPER MARIO BROTHERS (NDS): MEGA MUSHROOMS! MEGA MUSHROOMS! MEGA MUSHROOMS! MEGA MUSHROOMS! MEGA FUCKING MUSHROOMS!
  • MARIO KART DS (NDS): Needs more bikes. Also needs more characters. Also needs less Shine Runners. I mean, hell, what on earth are "shines"? OK, they're from Super Mario Sunshine (GCN) which I'm not reviewing here. But my god WHAT.
  • SUPER MARIO GALAXY (Wii): I likey. I haven't heard great things about its sequel though. Hopefully those people are wrong and it is, in fact, a good game. I clocked, but never 100%ed, this one. The loan period died. Should have worked on it harder, and more. Stupid stupid me!
  • SUPER MARIO BROS (NES): What's more fun than stomping a bunch of mushrooms, turtles and torpedoes just so you can rescue a goddamn damsel in distress? Nothing! In all its 8-bit glory, this was AWESOME. At the time. Even better was...
  • SUPER MARIO BROS 3 (NES): Tanooki suits fucking owned. P-wings were good but they didn't last. Tanooki suit FTW. This game was the devil spawn but it was amazing good fun to try and clock. You can't 100% this game. Nuts.
  • SUPER MARIO WORLD (SNES): I never got around to clocking the capey, Yoshi-y version of Mario Buraza. FML. Regardless, the cape was cool. Could have done with a groundpound option... otherwise known as a buttslam. Whatever you want to call the thing. Which brings me to...
  • SUPER MARIO WORLD 2: YOSHI'S ISLAND (SNES): Fuckit, this isn't Mario enough either.
  • MARIO TENNIS/MARIO TENNIS POWER TOUR (GBC/GBA): No. As standalone games, they were good.
  • MARIO GOLF/MARIO GOLF ADVANCE TOUR (GBC/GBA): Ditto. Could have been good. The music was way better in Advance Tour and heaps decent (for GBA standards) though.
  • SUPER MARIO LAND (GB): Clocked. Clocked again. Went through the fucker twice before it killed me. And I was only 8 years old. Too bloody easy. Seriously.
  • MARIO AND LUIGI: SUPERSTAR SAGA (GBA): Now this is a good game. RPGs never got any better than this. Especially M&L RPGs. They needed a break from the platformer crap that they'd churned out with the GCN. (Why the hell is it abbreviated to GCN anyway? There's no N in the word "cube"! Forfucksake.)
  • MARIO AND LUIGI: PARTNERS IN TIME (NDS): I dig this thing up every time I need a bit of nostalgia. When NDS games were decent, and didn't fall by the wayside with Nintendo's policy of "we want casuals, chicks and children to play our consoles so we can sell more pieces of plastic and electronics than those wankers at Sony or Microsoft". Funny enough, it worked. The game was harder than Superstar Saga.
  • MARIO AND LUIGI: BOWSER'S INSIDE STORY (NDS): Also known as RPG3. Bowser sucked.
  • MARIO POWER TENNIS (GCN/Wii): Probably better on the Wii. It actually used the Wiimote properly! Not many games used the Wiimote very well. But the three Cs - casuals, chicks and children - lapped the thing up. Hoping this is the end of motion controllers, because Kinect and Move both suck balls.
  • MARIO AND SONIC AT THE OLYMPIC GAMES (NDS/Wii): It's good to see Nintendo and Sega put aside their differences for a change. Also good to see a decent(ish) Sonic game on a console since the Dreamcast died. Wait, why the hell am I talking about consoles? I need a drink.
*Thanks Sean!

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we liberate every single university worldwide, share with you the secret to not dreaming, and find out what the hell "BURAZA" means.

September 10, 2010

Early ≠ late, right? Right?

(rated M for Mature content: contains violent words like "kick")

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we visited fifteen different supermarkets and bought the same item each time, opened up an SDHC card and a USB drive, and jumped a lot.

And coming up today: we sun ourselves in the spring rain, run through the halls of our primary school, and look casually at our diaries for the fiftieth time in one second.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 70: MY LIFE AS IT STANDS

TOPIC 1: Last month, I got the job I'd been hunting down for the best part of the last 12 months. Blogging shall continue next year. Hell, I'm not stopping at a hundred. But I'm still going for 20 per season. And one season each semester. I'll stop when... I get bored, xor I learn everything there is about myself.

This is what taking on the job is about. I like learning. I especially like learning about myself, and about other people. I've learned a lot about myself in the last 69.2 posts. And beyond. And I like it. I'll keep trying for higher and higher jobs until I've exhausted everything I want to do. And then I'll kick back with a video game and stop there.

TOPIC 2: I'm currently 20 (or so people tell me). In Australia, there's this really big thing about celebrating your 21st. I don't see it. My cynicism, political views, upbringing, whatever. Maybe they affect my views, maybe not. (Well, certainly not my upbringing (god DAMN it). Anyway, people are turning 21 all around me, and as I have been blessed (cursed?) with a late (early?) birthday I get to watch other 21sts and model mine after theirs. And I've decided I don't want what others want.

To clarify: I have decided to do nothing for my 21st. Reasons: half personal, half time. My job means that I'll be ultra busy for some time leading up to, and after, my 21st. I can't have it before or after then, otherwise it'll be two months either side, and hell if I'm doing that. So, no. I'm not having a 21st. Sorry to those who wanted to celebrate it for me. (This is another argument entirely, but I'm too lazy.)

Besides, how many people know when I turn 21 anyway? How many people that matter?

TOPIC 3: My grades are still good. Which means I can still afford to keep blogging. Eleven As (about four of which are highly undeserved) and a B to round out the year and a half. I'm happy with my performance, and I might be looking at graduating very well within the next three and a half years. Still plenty of time to deal with the total awesomeness that is university.

For those who missed the backstory, here it is. For those who are allergic to backstories, turn your screen off for a few lines. I'm doing a maths/stats degree and a comp sci degree. You may commence shouting "NERD" at your screen right now. I started the degrees a fraction before I wrote my first post here. No coincidence. And yes, I did eat a Pounder just before I wrote the first entry. I promise.

TOPIC 4: I need to be reviewed! I likes me my feedbackszorz, so I'm asking any and all interesting parties to review my work. But only for this blog. Read as much or as little as you want, and write to me. I'm reachable in Curryland, La Trobe University, Twatter, or just the comment thread underneath. Write what the hell you want. I won't bite back. Much.

TOPIC 5: It's spring time for CJ and Curryland! After careful consideration, winter has decided to bugger off for a while! Unfortunately for me, this means I have a spring/summer playlist without an iPod to stand on. Double-plus ungood. Enough of that.

TOPIC 6: ah, fuckit. I'm done.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we journey to the widest plains of the Rialto Tower, jump over the fence a hundred times, and eat our own arms and regenerate them.

September 6, 2010

Oh, do grow up.

(rated M for Mature content: contains quite bloody obvious sexual references)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we joined forces with the UN to rid the world of blankets, played harpsichord until our fingers broke, and shook our fists at everyone who decided to walk down the street.

And coming up today: 69!

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 69: WRITE YOUR OWN JOKES ABOUT THE NUMBER 69 HERE!

69! Isn't it amazing? 69 = 23*3 = 60+9 = 13102xdx = j/1,000 (where j is the number of jokes that can be made about the number 69 in the first place).

Sixty.

Nine.

Six. Nine.

But it's not really that special. Still, I should mention that since I posted interesting facts about the number 37, I should do the same for the number 69.
  • 69! is the highest factorial number most scientific and graphic calculators can manage, simply because of memory limitations.
  • 6916 = 10510 and 6910 = 1058. This makes computer science easier.
  • There are 69 drops of water on one pane of my window. The other pane has too many to count.
  • The 69th element is a lanthanide. Thulium, if memory serves. *checks Wikipedia*
  • Interstate 69 intersects Interstate 96. How about that!
  • It's a sex position. There, I said it. Also known as soixante-neuf. The French have all the good ideas.
  • 69 is a semiprime. In that respect, it's like Julia Gillard at the moment (note that Australia's parliament is still hung as at writing, we're just waiting on the drawing and quartering bits).
  • LXIX was the Year Of Four Emperors. Much like Australia, Rome couldn't decide who they wanted as Emperor.
  • '69 was the year Bryan Adams chose to sing about. Why, man, why? When there are so many jokes that can be made?
  • My high score on any given game is 69n, where n ∈ R.
  • I can write a program that simulates 69 things.
  • 1969 was the year man first walked on the moon. Woman has yet to do so.
  • I just took 69 steps.
  • Regarding haiku: read out four haiku, then say "bye". There's your 69 syllables. (Is it "haiku" or "haikus" in the plural? Or something else? Doesn't matter, I suppose.)
  • The 69th song in my playlist is:
    • Airwave by Rank 1, sorted ascending by name.
    • Don't Be by Afrojack, sorted ascending by performer.
    • Red Mist VIP by Danny Byrd, sorted ascending by album title.
    • Don't Stop by ATB, sorted descending by rating.
    • Funk Ad by Daft Punk, sorted ascending by time.
    • Needin' You by David Morales ft. Juliet Roberts, unsorted.
  • 69℃ = 156℉ and 69℉ = 20.5℃. I think I prefer the latter option, if I'm going swimming or sunbathing.
Now go and have a 69.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we tackle some Very Serious Business, toss a coin until we throw up, and get inventive with a pipecleaner and some sulphuric acid.

September 2, 2010

Kick out the maniac!

(rated M for Mature content: contains advertisements)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we injected confidence into 20,000 ants, attended the Wii Championships, and went bald for a few hours just to look shiny.

And coming up today: we look cautiously at a hammer and a nail, heavily criticise AZERTY, QZERTY, QWERTZ and Dvorak boards, and show you fifteen different trading cards and detail their origins ad nauseum.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 68: YOU HAVE A BLOG?

First: BARBRA STREISAND.

I have a pile of shit to sift through. Allow me to put on my latex gloves. Excuse me.





There. Done. Shit sifted. I'll never use those gloves again.

So. Since I last wrote to you, Australia's parliament has been hung. I'm hoping it also gets drawn and quartered, but that's like hoping for a million dollars to fall out of the sky, or like hoping that Michael Jackson is a good singer.

BARBRA STREISAND.

And I'm going back to the Rat soon. Rats are... ratty. Rat rat rat Ratties. What was your favourite TV show as a kid? Bananaman? Bangers & Mash? Angela Anaconda? Any others? Send your vote to CJ Curry, c/- The Internets. I told the Elders of the Internet to expect your votes. They'll forward it to my IP address.

We'll be right back after these messages from our sponsors.

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BARBRA STREISAND. Who wants duck sauce?

As I was saying. You deserve food. So go to the refrigerator and get a slice of custard. Get one for me while you're there. It's on the house.

I haz pie. But I no CAN haz pie. I haz no can. And I definitely no haz can pie. Can I haz can pie? I haz pie cancan. Pie pie pie pie pie pie pie π pie pie pie.

BARBRA STREISAND.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we discuss the ethics of cats, find our way back home, and enjoy a slice of courage with Noel Coward.
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