March 28, 2009

I wish to register a complaint!

Anarchy! Insanity! Craziness!

But enough of that. Now back to the nonsense.

Welcome back to the CJ Curry Experience. It's the best experience in the world, if you don't mind curry, nonsense, or a pretentious M-rated blog that constantly spouts junk at you, no matter where or who you are.

It's almost holiday season! Only 272 days until Christmas!

POST 7: LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY!!!

It's the lucky 7th post. I shall therefore reveal your horoscope for today. Lucky you!

ARIES
Today, you will meet a tall, dark stranger. Turns out that s/he is gay. No sex for you tonight.

TAURUS
If things seem to be going wrong for you today, it's because things are going wrong. Suck it up, you wuss.

GEMINI
As the moon and Venus get closer together, it's a sure sign that you will be unlucky. Deal with it.

CANCER
You will get cancer.

LEO
Surprisingly, you will not be mauled by a lion. Instead, your long lost auntie will come to visit. (There's a reason she's long-lost...)

VIRGO
Have a drink of water. If it tastes OK, then you haven't been targeted.

LIBRA
Look out for bandicoots. The stars are saying that you'll be beaten to death by a bandicoot.

SCORPIO
Ooh, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes right now...

SAGITTARIUS
Dear Sagittarians, you may already have won our 10 MILLION DOLLAR GRAND LUCKY PRIZE...

CAPRICORN
The Internet is stalking you. Run and hide under the bed for the rest of the year to get away from it.

AQUARIUS
There's a 23% chance of you catching a cold today. There is also a 77% chance of catching measles.

PISCES
Today, you will meet a tall, dark stranger, who... oh wait, that was Aries. Bad luck, Pisces. You get nothing.

March 23, 2009

Spotlight eyes on endless skies.

Maths assignment is making head hurt. Need Internets to make smartness again. Thinks it's not working. Need food.

Welcome back to the CJ Curry experience. Now with 50% less sugar and 25% more pretentiousness, this new-improved M-rated blog promises to neither be new, improved, or sugary.

Half a dozen blogs! I never thought I'd make it this far. I thought I'd run out of things to say. But then again, when you're making up nonsense, anything is possible. Hell, I could be the Queen of England for all you know. (But I'm not. I'm a student who likes psytrance. Treat me like a pariah.)

POST 6: WHERE O WHERE HAS THE SERIOUS BLOG GONE?

First off: Kittens!

Second off: I'd like to know how they got the idea for the digital watch. I'm in awe. Seriously. I also realise that Douglas Adams would roll over in his grave but I reckon they're a pretty neat idea anyway.

Third off: I think there's something wrong with me. I'm starting to revert to a serious blog. Help me! Send me money! Stick some money into your CD tray or CD slot, shut the tray (if you have a tray), and send that money to me in an email. I'd prefer it in Australian currency, but if you don't have any, I guess I can try and go convert it.

Fourth off: It's a hot, steamy 18 degrees (which is 64.4 degrees in Fahrenheit land) and I am a massive 25 kilometres (which is 15 and a half miles in American money) away from the nearest decent donut shop. Donuts!

Fifth off: Fuck, I gotta go have tea soon. I have a meeting.

Sixth off: I'm going to rewrite my maths book. I will need financial aid. Send me money in the usual way.

Seventh off: Today I made a paper hat! Such fun! Such excellence, considering I don't even know how to make a paper hat. But I can make a paper aeroplane. Paper aeroplane! Angus & Julia Stone! Hell yeah, my word association is the best.

Eighth off: Einstein. Albert Einstein. You are a clever man.

Ninth off: Does it ever bother you when, one day when you're minding your own business, nothing special, just minding your own business, you get bored, I mean real bored, bored as batshit, then you decide, just for the sake of it, to go and turn on your computer, but your computer doesn't turn on, then you turn it on again, and it does turn on this time, but it takes ages to boot up, I mean your computer is a dinosaur, and then you boot up an Internet browser, like Firefox or Opera or Netscape or IE, and you tap onto a website, and that website happens to be this one, and you usually like it, which would be unusual in a sense, and you come to this sentence, because it's a long sentence and it caught your eye, and you get to the end of the sentence and realise the stupid fucking thing doesn't mean anything?

Tenth off: Kittens again!

Goodbye.

March 21, 2009

THE GOLDEN AGE OF GOLD.

WE HAVE NEW TECHNOLOGY HERE IN CURRY LAND. UNFORTUNATELY IT MEANS THAT I HAVE HAD TO SELL MY CAPS LOCK, SHIFT AND SEMI-COLON KEYS. I HAVE BEEN TOLD NOT TO SHOUT MANY MANY TIMES. SHUT UP, I CAN'T HELP IT.

WELCOME BACK TO THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE. THE LOUDEST M-RATED BLOG IN ALL OF THE INTARNUT AND THE WORST PANCAKES EVER COOKED CAN ALL BE FOUND WITHIN. PLEASE, COME JOIN US.

STAY GOLD.

POST 5 - HIDEOUSLY DISGUSTINGLY HORRIBLY RIDICULOUSLY HORRENDOUSLY RETARDEDLY STUPIDLY INCREDIBLY EXCEPTIONALLY LOUD.

AS I TRY TO MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY BACK MY BELOVED SHIFT KEY, I SHALL ENTERTAIN YOU ALL WITH STORIES FROM MY YOUTH. I WAS BORN ALOYSIUS SNOTTENHEIMER, BUT MY FAMILY CHANED ITS NAME TO CURRY. APPARENTLY SNOTTENHEIMER WASN'T QUITE SILLY ENOUGH. CJ IS MY MIDDLE NAME. ALOYSIUS CJ SNOTTENHEIMER. DOESN'T QUITE HAVE THE SAME RING TO IT AS CJ CURRY. SO I ADOPTED MY MIDDLE NAME.

I AM NOW A 72-YEAR-OLD HIPPIE FROM ARKANSAS. I HAVE BEEN A 72-YEAR-OLD FOR SOME TIME, AND I HAVE BEEN FROM ARKANSAS FOR AN INCREDIBLE FIVE MINUTES NOW. I LIKE ARKANSAS. JUST LIKE KANSAS, BUT WITH TWO MORE LETTERS. WOW. TWO MORE LETTERS. DID ARKANSAS WIN THOSE TWO LETTERS AT A GARAGE SALE OR AN AUCTION OR SOMETHING. [THAT WAS MEANT TO BE A QUESTION. I HAVE NO SHIFT KEY, SO I CAN'T MAKE A QUESTION MARK.]

I THINK I SOUND LIKE YELLING BIRD. QC HAS A GREAT YELLING BIRD. A GREAT ONE. JEPH JACQUES IS A LEGEND. YELLING BIRD DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT. OH WELL. YELLING BIRD IS JUST A DICK.

I LIKE CHEESE.

I PUN YOU. I AM READING TERRY PRATCHETT AND HE IS A MASTER OF PUNS. LIKE HE HAS THIS ONE GUY MEASURING A PIE AND TALKING ABOUT THE NUMBER 3.14159... WHATEVER. I LOVE IT. TEN POINTS TO TERRY PRATCHETT. IN FACT, TEN POINTS FOR EVERY BOOK YOU EVER WROTE.

DO YOU LIKE CHEESE?

HOME. HOME IS WHERE I CALL HOME. WHERE DO I CALL HOME, I HEAR YOU SAY. I CALL HOME WITH A TELEPHONE. SEE, I PUN YOU. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

SOMETIMES I LIKE HUGGING SMALL FURRY ANIMALS. LIKE MY CAT. SHE'S A SMALL FURRY ANIMAL. SHE LIKES BEING A SMALL FURRY ANIMAL. I DON'T BLAME HER. IT MUST BE ONE HECK OF A GOOD LIFE. RUNNING AROUND ALL DAY. CHASING BIRDS. EATING MICE. FIGHTING WITH OTHER SMALL FURRY ANIMALS. THEN COMING HOME, MUNCHING ON DINNER, AND THEN GOING FROM NOUGHT TO FLOP IN THREE AND A HALF SECONDS.

CHEESE IS HEALTHY FOR YOU.

OWLS ARE ALSO LIKEABLE. I HAVE THIRTY OWLS. I LIKE OWLS. OWLS ARE FRIENDLY. THEY ARE SMALL FEATHERY CREATURES. I LIKE SMALL FEATHERY CREATURES. ALSO THEY'RE COOL BECAUSE THEY GET TO STAY OUT AT NIGHT AND THEY ALSO GET TO KILL MICE. I WOULD LOVE TO KILL A MICE. JUST ONCE.

CHEESE IS ALSO TASTY.

AND ON THAT NOTE, I BID YOU A VERY LOUD, AND CAPS-LOCK-LESS ADIEU.

March 18, 2009

All you can eat? We'll see about that...

I swear the weather is magic sometimes. Interpret that how you will.

Welcome back to the CJ Curry Experience. The only blog in existence that is being written by someone with an IQ of 12 and a shoe size of 157*, and voted "Best Blog In The World" by at least 1 person.

I have recently been called "elitist". Thanks, friend. I like being elitist. It sets me apart from the people who have generic tastes. I have also recently been called "hey you" but I think they're unrelated.

In honour of my elitism I hereby present:

POST 4: DOOM** BEFALLS US ALL?

I'm a techno-geek. (Read: nerd-boy.) I know the speed at which computers are increasing in power and decreasing in size. Movies like I, Robot and The Matrix have taken the thrill out of the apocalypse by making humans win. Because there will be no robot apocalypse and if there is then the robots will win because if they get to the stage where they're smarter than humans they will kill us all.

I am a happy little fellow. I know Java. Well, some of it, anyway.

Javajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavacoffeejavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajava (I hope that didn't break your screen).

Broken screen. I love it. How do you break a screen? Bash it with a big heavy blunt object. Bashing things with big heavy blunt objects is a good way to relieve stress. Ha! Stress. The other day we got a locally-produced pseudo-newspaper with ten ways to relieve stress. They included sleep.

Sleeeeeeep. I think I am sleep-deprived. Can you send me any sleep? If you can, please address it to CJ Curry, The CJ Curry Experience, Blogspot, Blogosphere, WWW. The postcode is my IP address.

Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Java. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Java. The choice seems so obvious to a computer geek!

I have been accused of drinking red cordial! Slander!

I must away, I have things to see and people to do. ...something like that. Buh bye!

*Estimated shoe size only. Actual shoe size may be much smaller.
**Actual size of "doom" may vary from person to person.

March 15, 2009

I was once a clueless young nerd-boy...

I hate those three magical words "rain, no play" that can unite a country in saying "STOP FUCKING RAINING!" Then again, we need the rain. It keeps the rabbits out.

Anyway. Welcome back to the CJ Curry Experience. The only M-rated blog with its own orchestra and theme music, and the only M-rated blog that calls itself pretentious.

Today we present the post that is guaranteed to offend, shock, and otherwise just plain piss off. If you're Tasmanian, look away.

POST 3: ENOUGH ABOUT ME, WHAT ABOUT YOU?

I like people. They're gullible, predictable, and annoying. They live for the entertainment of other, higher life forms. If you think I'm cruel, think of what you did do your pet tomato. ...Yeah. That's right.

I live with a bunch of people. They're all about my age, and they're good people. Good people are good to find. ...or is that hard people? Either way, I like you guys. You're the only people I know that can take tequila and turn it into something remotely drinkable.

I study with a bunch of people. They're all about my age, and they're good people. Good people are good to find. ...or is that hard people? Either way, I like you guys. You're the only people I know that can make nerdy jokes about mathematics and get away with it.

I no longer work with a bunch of people. Hi, bunch of people I no longer work with!

I can't think of any other bunches of people. Three bunches is plenty, anyway. I say this not because you need to know that simple fact, but because I like the word "bunch" (I like a lot of words. English is pretty cool sometimes (though not when you start floundering and stuttering and junk like that (junk is also a word I like, you know (oh grow up, it's a word that means "rubbish" (yes, I realise I'm writing these brackets a whole bunch (there it is again, that magic (well, nearly magic) word "bunch"), but it's better than footnotes) and is used every day to mean "trash"), I think it has something to do with the letter K (look at this, turning into Sesame Street) or maybe just how the letters are arranged) which I do a lot because I often speak before I think) which kinda makes it superior to other languages). I also like footnotes, but footnotes in paragraphs like these would make them look far too much like Mark Z Danielewski's House Of Leaves.

Yes. That was a plug.
Yes. I like that book.
Yes. You must buy it.
Yes. You must buy me a sandwich.

Yikes, it's taken me half an hour to write this. I have laundry to do. Bye now!

So anyway, about those Tasmanians...

March 12, 2009

Get the squid for the next scene.

there is teh krikkit on teh weekendzorz WOOT WOOT WOOT oh crap are we recording already?

...ahem.

Welcome back to the CJ Curry Experience. An M-rated journey through non-sequiturs, bad puns, anticlimaxes, irony, cynicism, insanity, and not forgetting those magic curse words.

I notice that one of you has answered "Curry man is crazy? I think?" to my poll on the right-hand side of your window. I congratulate you, Mr/s {Anonymous} for this is a fantastic honour to be bestowed upon me.

However, this is not the right answer. Those who know the correct answer can put it on the back of a stamped, self-addressed zeppelin and throw it in the general direction of Aussie land.

It suddenly occurred to me how little you know about me. It also occurred to me that if you are reading this and you know exactly what the fuck I'm on about half the time, you deserve a medal and a wake-up slap in the face. In that order.

So. I proudly present:

POST 2: SOME ASSORTED SHIT ABOUT ME

(and other shit you wouldn't ever dare to ask me)

OK. Where to start? I'm 103 years old, and I live in a tower. Every night I go comatose for a few hours, and every morning I recover from said coma with almost no recollection of what I did. I was not born where I live, I am not living where I want to die, and I'm not going to die without being reborn.

I like numbers. Numbers are fun. Numbers are your friend. Numbers run the world around us and they make us look and think "Why the hell am I looking and thinking about numbers?" because numbers are special that way. I am special. I am a special case. An uppercase, maybe.

I don't want your antivirus crap. I don't want your penis extension crap. I don't want your Internet lottery crap. I don't want your magic weight loss crap. I don't want your Nigerian scam crap. I don't want your good-luck-if-you-repost-this-to-500-other-suckers crap. (I could go on forever.)

I have lost The Game on hundreds of occasions.

I believe in freedom of software. In truth from politicians. In justice for hax0rz and people who spout their Facebook crap everywhere. (None of that'll happen, now, will it?)

Today I had five classes. Java likes me now.

Currently eating Tim Tams. They make me loopy.

Currently listening to club electro house. It makes me happy.

Currently waiting for cricket training. It makes me hoopy. Hoopy? Ask Ford Prefect.

Currently drinking water. It makes me hydrated. (What the fuck did you *expect* me to say?)

Aeroplane!

Somebody find me a battleship. Preferably, one at a discounted price. I feel like trying out the myth that I can sink a battleship with all my CDs.

OK, I told you it would be the CJ Curry Experience. I never said it would be a good experience.

Bye!

March 8, 2009

Everything I say is being <> bananas.

Hello. I am CJ. Read my words. Be my friend.

Welcome to the CJ Curry Experience. The world's most pretentious M-rated blog, with a guarantee of 50% less 1337-5p33k than all other pretentious blogs.

I aim to entertain. I aim to fascinate. I aim to confuse. I also aim to piss you off. So on that note, I proudly present:

POST 1: INTRODUCTION AND MAYHEM

I was the leader of the Great Fashionista Swindle.
I am the only person to simultaneously hold 37 world records.
I can hold my breath underwater for over half an hour.
I save the Australian Government billions of dollars each year.
I was the real inventor of the lightning rod and the Bluetooth protocol.
I have often been told I have delusions of grandeur. But I don't believe them, because I don't know what the word "delusions" means.

So. I'm a geek of mathematics and computer science. I'm a cricketer, in particular an all-rounder. I like music and I have made a little of it myself. I appreciate art and I have made a fair amount of it myself. I like TV comedy and some action/scifi movies.

Then again, I lied about holding my breath underwater. Believe what you will.

So, what can I do?

I can eat a Pounder burger without any negative side effects...
There was an error in this gadget
CC BY Australia. Some rights reserved. Powered by Blogger.