April 30, 2009

You expect me to do WHAT?

I'm back, despite popular demand.

Welcome back to the CJ Curry Experience. Now with 50% more of your favourite food, 50% less of your least favourite drink, and too much smart mouthing. We're still M-rated.

Over the last few days we've developed a mindfuck. It's far better than any torture I can think of - except perhaps kicking a guy in the crotch. Let me elaborate...

POST 14: IT'S LIKE BEING HIT BY A TRAIN AT 5 MILES PER HOUR!
  • You are now aware that you are breathing.
  • You are now aware that you are blinking.
  • You are now aware of your little toes.
  • You are now aware of your little fingers.
  • You are now aware of your tongue.
  • You are now aware of your teeth.
  • You are now aware of your horrible posture.
  • You are now aware that you are sitting down.
  • You are now aware of your bellybutton.
  • You are now feeling itchy.
  • You are now aware of all external noises.
  • You are now aware of the time.
  • You are now aware of the song that is undoubtedly stuck in your head.
  • You are now aware of your ears.
  • You are now aware of your kneecaps.
  • You are now aware that you are being mindfucked.
  • You are now losing The Game.
Have fun trying to forget about all that!

April 24, 2009

And here we are, half past three in the morning...

Back To Mine, while you're trying to slow down, is so much better with dim light. Not candle-type light, but desk-lamp-type light. Trust me on this one. And never trust anyone who says "trust me".

Welcome back to the CJ Curry Experience. We're not scheduled to get an upgrade until 2020, so until then, you get the same pretentious M-rated junk you've known for 13 posts, and hated for 15.

It's ridiculous. It's crazy. It's downright stupid. But it's...

POST 13: WHY, OH WHY?

As always, if you'd like to make any complaints about the Experience, please make them in writing, and enclose a $50 bribe to make your complaint handled faster. Lack of bribe may not guarantee the complaint being addressed. More bribe will make me rich and you poor. Suckers.

I froze! Video link soon never. Freezing was shit.

Does anyone think that the economy's fucked? Or would you rather think "fuck off, economy"?

Food. Foodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfood.

Too bloody cold. My fingers are almost frozen to the bones. If that's the right expression. I dunno. It's pretty fitting for a day when I had to freeze anyway! Freeze. I like freeze. But only in summer. Summer = like, winter = not like. The gods of winter = epic fail. Suckers.

Haha, why am I not sumbitting this at half past three in the morning? I wrote the skeleton of this post at half past three in the morning. Seriously. Because I couldn't slow down. I wrote it, then I slowed down. Then I kept it going this afternoon. After I froze.

Hey. I never said you would like this experience.

Who likes reading Dilbert? All thsoe who don't need to start reading it. Suckers. Seriously, you are all suckers until you read Dilbert.

See you suckers later!

April 19, 2009

I think I'm thinking, therefore I may possibly be.

Oh man. Not again.

Welcome back to the CJ Curry Experience. It's an experience of pretentiousness, smartarseness, elitism, technology, maturism, floccinaucinihinipilification, and only two made-up words.

I figure it's about time I did a survey. One of those annoying online ones. Except this one isn't annoying. Nor was it originally online. You'll recognise it if you read the gnus.

POST 12: MORE THAN YOU CARE TO IMAGINE

-My earliest memory is... three o'clock, yesterday afternoon.
-At school I... was a reasonably diligent student (read: nerd).
-My first relationship was... still going strong (if I write something stupid, she'll kill me).
-I don't like talking about... you. I only like talking about me.
-My most treasured possession is... floppy most of the time.
-My parents always told me... puns.
-I wish I had... more comedic skill.
-I wish I hadn't... more comedic skill.
-My most humiliating moment was... Never! As far as you know.
-My happiest moment was... three o'clock, yesterday afternoon.
-At home I cook... food. Food food food food, food food?
-My last meal would be... edible. It would contain the key to escape.
-I'm very bad at... writing. Obviously.
-If I wasn't me I'd like to be... a 72-year-old hippie from Arkansas.
-The last big belly laugh I had was... reading back my own blog to myself. (God, I'm so up myself.)
-When I was a child I wanted to... write a blog. Despite the fact that blogs hadn't been invented.
-The book that changed my life is... The Folk Of The Faraway Tree. It taught me to not be racist.
-It's not fashionable, but I love... fashion.
-Friends say I am... A dork. Well, I proved them right.
-The song I'd like played at my funeral is... Is there a song out there called "Wake The Dead"?
-My greatest fear is... running out of jokes.
-At the moment I'm reading... Pyramids by Terry Pratchett.
-At the moment I'm listening to... Pyramid by John Dahlb├Ąck.
-If only I could... stop being pretentious. But that'd ruin the whole thread of the blog.
-The hardest thing I've ever done was... pretend to be pretentious.
-What I don't find amusing is... you.
-I'm always being asked... Shut the fuck up, Curry man!
-Cat or dog... They both have three letters.
-My worst job was... being repetitively annoying.
-I often wonder... Will I ever shut up?

Bye now.

(What were the two made-up words? Floccinaucinihinipilification is not one of them. Though it may have been misspelt.)

April 14, 2009

Urgh, is it that time of second again?

I swear, there are some horrible movies being made these days. The worst thing about it is that they are making millions because any brainwashed fucktard is paying a few bucks to go see it. If that's the case, I could make a movie of my life, and it would be so horrible that it would make billions. YOU'RE PAYING FOR FUCKING AWFUL MOVIES PEOPLE!

...ahem. Welcome back to the CJ Curry Experience. It's fun! I swear!

I've had enough of your sass, so I'm going to PANCAKES give you some of my sass.

POST 11: BECAUSE I'M PISSED OFF. THAT'S WHY.

Everyone had their chocolate fill? Good. Now listen closely.

You need to go to the Casino Royale and stop The Claw and Dr. Wily from executing KAOS' evil plans to kill the Scarlet Pimpernel and kidnap Jason Bourne. You will meet with the Phantom, Johnny English, several PANCAKES members of the DIA, and Ethan Hunt en route. You will need guns. Lots of guns. The password to the gun safe is "password". Now get moving. Remember, many Bothans died to bring you this information.

This blog will self-destruct in five seconds.

I'll admit, some of those movies I referenced were decent PANCAKES but I gotta say, the new bunch of James Bond crap is just crap.

Anyway, enough of my blind prejudice. And now it's time for my non-blind prejudice. KILL ALL WINDOWS!

Does it bother you that I am not a highly-paid executive yet? It bothers me. Because I am 19 and all 19-year-olds should be highly-paid executives with baboons in their drawers. It's the only way to live. Believe me.

A few of you* have asked "How come you're so loopy?" Fine, fine. My secret is catnip.

*May not have been actual people. Damn my multiple personalities.

Strangely enough, I can't think of anything else stupid to write. Not happy! This shall be the shortest post so far. Enjoy!

April 10, 2009

Spare a dime?

I have a huge pile of homework sitting next to me that needs to be ignored. Thankfully, I'm a professional homework-ignorer. It's something that I started for shits and giggles, but I really got into it and now I earn an amazing $0.00000000000001 per hour by ignoring homework. Sure, the pay's low, but the work is bloody fantastic.

Welcome back to the CJ Curry Experience. Because you're worth it.

I have decided to pull out none of the stops. Well one stop. This blog shall be a shade more formatted than previous ones. (Be thankful I learned HTML at an early age.) Just remember that it's still M-rated!

POST 10: DOUBLE FIGURES? OH MAN, HASN'T CURRY MAN BEEN ASSASSINATED YET?

Easter is around the corner. Give a cheer! Easter deserves praise. Praise mayonnaise!

Uk, I can't think of anything silly to write. I need a cheeseburger.

So what's the best way to get rid of an addiction? You punch it in the face and say "fuck you, addiction", because you're too smart to fall for those tricks. Urhh, I hate that word "smart". Don't ask me why. Because I don't know. It's just one of those words.

Ooh! Cheeseburger!

nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom

Now. To business.

This is the season for eggs. Egg-sactly. It's egg-straordinary. And egg-citing. People may think I'm an eggo-maniac but really I'm just eggceptionally eggheaded. I like egg jokes, but I always end up with egg on my face. In-eggs-orably.
But this post is an egg-ception. I've flown the coop, see, and it doesn't matter how many fowl jokes I make. The yolk's on you. Eggs!

Booyeah! 12 jokes in one paragraph! Doesn't that break some kind of record? You can't make a Guinness world record without breaking any EGGS!

Eggs aside, I need another cheeseburger.

I've often wondered what life is all about. Then the rational part of my brain jumps in and says "fuck you" because that's the kind of thing my brain does.

nom nom nom nom nom nom nom

I have a pretty screwy sleeping pattern. And a nutty one. But not a bolty one. That would be weird.

If there's one question I want people to stop asking me, it's "what's the time?" because the answer is always different and I have to look up the answer rather than use my brain. I like using my brain. It's pink, grey, and squidgy. Fun!

More cheeseburger?

Uk, it's too quiet here and now! I wish to raise the tempo a little. Behold!

Why is a boxing ring square? Why is the word "monosyllabic" so long? Why isn't there an acronym for "acronym"? Why is "verb" a noun? Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like it's spelt? Why is it called "lipstick" when you can move your lips?

It only makes me stronger!

nom nom nom nom nom nom nom

Good fun. I shall now leave you with one final assault: NaCl

Because NaCl is salt, get it? Haa haa haa...

April 6, 2009

D'you get wafers with it?

Mm. I'd offer you some wafers, but I'm selfish.

Welcome back to teh CJ Curry Expericen. At least 10% of this paragrapoh was made with typos. Please forgive my spekllchecker, it knows not what it foes. Actually, if does know what it does, which is collapse and shoot fdown any chance I have of making myself look impressice. Anyway, this blog is M-rated. If you're not M, please levae.

It's my ninth post! I wish to celebrate! This is a story (or is it a play? I don't know...) of mine that I particularly liked. It's simulcast on Everything2. Give a cheer. All links lead to Everything2. In other words, E2 is the new Rome. (And black is the new pink, and red is the new black, and orange is the new aqua, and yellow is the new yellow, and pink with purple polka dots is the new taupe, and I don't know what the hell I'm saying. On with the post.)

POST 9 A.K.A. SPECIAL POST 1: YOUR JOB IS TO FIND KITTEN. THIS TASK IS COMPLICATED BY THE EXISTENCE OF VARIOUS THINGS WHICH ARE NOT KITTEN.

OK. I got it. Find kitten.
Hm. How do I find kitten?
I know. I'll touch things. If they are not kitten, they will not object.
Hello there. Are you kitten?

<touch>
It's a big smoking fish.
BIG SMOKING FISHKITTEN

That's not it. Maybe this thing will be friends with me?

<touch>
It's a kitten sink. For washing kitten. (If only kitten liked water.)
SINKKITTEN

It pleases me to be kind to what appears to be kitten... but is not kitten.
Maybe this is kitten?

<touch>
It's a tasty-looking banana creme pie.
DELICIOUS DELIGHTKITTEN

Nom nom nom... gooooooood pie!
Now where is kitten?

<touch>
It's the enbalmed corpse of Vladimir Lenin.
SOME RUSSIAN GUYKITTEN

GOD DAMMIT WHERE IS THAT KITTEN?!?!?

<touch>
We wish you a merry kitten, and a happy New Year!
FUCKING CAROL SINGERSKITTEN

<touch>
It's a fly on the wall. Hi, fly!
PESKY INSECTKITTEN

<touch>
I pity the fool who mistakes me for a kitten!
MR. TKITTEN

I am making so many friends but I am not finding kitten!

<touch>
This seems to be junk mail addressed to the finder of the Eye Of Larn.
ANNOYING MARKETING GIMMICKSKITTEN

GAHHHHH!




Two Hours Later

Still no kitten! WTF is going on?!?

<touch>
You found netkit! Way to go!
NETKITKITTEN

Hooray! I found netkit! ...wait. Netkit is not kitten. Is it? ...aww.
I must still find kitten.

<touch>
A patch of mushrooms grows here.
FREAKY FUNGUSKITTEN

<touch>
It's a Cat 5 cable.
BLUE INTERNET CABLEKITTEN

<touch>
You hit the non-kitten item. The non-kitten item fails to yowl.
ANTICLIMAXKITTEN

<touch>
Robot should not be touching that.
<touch>
<touch>
<touch>
<touch>
<you dirty-minded people>

<touch>
It's the triangle leg adjacent to an angle divided by the leg opposite it.
CONFUSING MATHEMATICSKITTEN

<touch>
Fonzie sits here, mumbling incoherently about a shark and a pair of waterskis.
1970S TV CHARACTERKITTEN

<touch>
It's a blind man. When you touch, he exclaims "It's a kitten-prospecting robot!"
BLIND DUDEKITTEN

<touch>
Dear Robot, you may have already won our 10 MILLION DOLLAR prize...
FUCKING SPAMMERSKITTEN

It's GOT to be around here SOMEwhere...

Purr-meow?

Beat it, kitten. I'm looking for kitten.

Purr... <nuzzle>

<double-take> KITTEN?!?

You found kitten! Way to go, robot!
KITTEN = KITTEN

game over







Quotes in bold face adapted from the game "robotfindskitten".

April 3, 2009

I'm blogging and I can't get up.

Ooh. The disastrous episode of the yellow sticky notes. I remember that one very well. It was in the papers. Ooh yes, and they had a little picture. It was a green sticky note. I was displeased. Very displeased. Back in the day they used to display, read and print news that had horrifyingly accurate precision. Now it's just "Kylie's into Botox" and "Terry Wallace has faced the millionth call for his resignation". You sure can tell a slow news day when the front page has a direction to page 22-23, where the gossip section is. But anyway.

Welcome back to the CJ Curry Experience. I may or may not have consumed sugar in the past hour or so. I may or may not be under the effects of caffeine. I may or may not be bored. I may or may not be in a suburban daze. I may or may not be back where I grew up. I may or may not make this blog M-rated, pretentious, sarcastic, sardonic, cynical, random, or just plain stupid. But that's just me.

If you have a weak stomach, switch off now. Not because the next part of the blog is gruesome, but because I've always wanted to say that.

POST 8: AMUSE YOURSELF

Whenever I get tired, depressed, angsty, lonely, pissed off at the world, or just plain blue, I shut the fuck up and carry on with my life. It happens.

Bond movies! Everyone loves a Bond movie. But I ain't everybody, it turns out. It's a mirror of myself. Am I somebody else? I don't wanna be everybody.

I shall keep blogging until my battery dies. Right now it's at 46%.

We got rained on! Melbin got rained upon by a bunch of weather gods. I'm beginning to really worship those guys right about now. Well, not really. Weather gods don't exist. Just weather. Do I believe in anything without proof? Yes, I believe that 1=2 and that the earth isn't shaped like a tangerine, but actually shaped a bit like a potato. Or maybe a melon. I like cheeeeeeeeeeeese...

Aeroplanes! Everybody loves aeroplanes! I like the word aero. It has threeeeee vowels! Cool! Aero can be used in so many other words. Once they make the phrase "ultra aerodynamic patch" popular I will be exceedingly happy. Not that I'm not exceedingly happy right now, of course.

52% battery life left. Damn, I forgot that I left it plugged into the power. OK, I'll blog until I feel like it.

Who likes the non-sequiturs in my blog? Perhaps the titles that don't make sense? Yes? No? Threebagsfull?

I shall relax now. Ahhh OK back to the blogging.

Relaxation is good for the mindbody and soul. WHAT? Mindbody is a word? Jeez. When your spellchecker gives you lemons you find a new spellchecker. Ooh! I quoted that!

Talking of relaxation, I shall now go and read a book. About the history and herstory of owls. Maybe. Keep in mind I'm still on sugar. Maybe.

Everybody run, everybody know...
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