THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 60: THE GREAT ESCAPE (again)
For a recap, check out last post. Last time I was being dragged away by the scruff of my QWERTY board because I'd finally been caught by Curryland authorities. And boyohboy, do I have one hell of a story to tell you.
If you're allergic to flashbacks, I suggest you turn off now.
Location: Curryland's notorious prison of no escape
More specific location: wing C, cell J37
So, here it is. I'm thirty hours into what is apparently going to be my prison sentence. It's quite cushy here, actually, given that I've been hiding out in oil barrels and HTML laboratories (jeez, those HTML tags sting like crazy when you go too near them). That said, hell, I don't want to spend the rest of the year here. I need to get out, and I need to get out now.
I have the Internet at my disposal. The one thing they didn't take off me was my laptop. Apparently they think I can't do much harm playing Snake all day long. Turns out Snake is my hacking tool. That ever-growing worm is pretty much like a progress bar to me. The bigger it gets, the better my hack.
I reckon that a particularly ugly hack will shut down the core computer system here and quite possibly help me escape. So, let me begin.
Time: 1:00 AM
Well, that hack failed. Obviously they have some pretty mean failsafes here. I'll need to figure out a way around the failsafes - maybe hack into the failsafes themselves. In the meantime, I'd better send out my thanks to the people I need to thank - just in case I can't, in fact, get out.
My loyal reader(s). Thanks to all of you. Yeah, that'll do; nobody else needs thanking.
This is going to take a while. Need to conserve battery power.
Time: 4:17 AM
Hacking has failed me.
Time: 9:34 AM
Nope, nothing. The prison system is harder to get into than War And Peace. There must be a way somewhere. Every system has an Achilles heel.
Time: 9:36 AM
I snuck a peek at a guard's password.
Time: 9:38 AM
I've found the hack to open up my door, to release me into the greater prison area. Though it doesn't get me out of the prison itself. That might take a while.
Time: 9:39:30 AM
Done. I'm good, I'm gone.
Time: 6:30 PM
Location: somewhere in Curryland
More specific location: SECURITY PROTECTED
They won't find me here for a few days. I can at least lie low and hope that they don't see me here. Still, the Curryland cops are pretty smart cookies. Meanwhile, I'm slowly going bananas and turning into a breadbasket. And now I'm hungry. I didn't bring anything to eat. This could be a problem.
Time: 7:35 PM (at least, I think it's 7:35; I've eaten my wristwatch)
Had to make do with supplies I already had. As it stands, the situation isn't that great. I can hear Curryland's emergency forces all out looking for me. Police, ambulance, and fire. As if I'm a pyromaniac. Still, I suppose it doesn't hurt.
Time: Aw shit, they're everywhere.
Time: 9:30 PM
I've been recaptured. Bugger. They've found the sense to nick my laptop, but I'm still barely controlling it, Stephen Hawking-style. Looks like I'm gone... this may be the end of the Experience. Cheers guys...
Time: 1:30 AM
Just got back from a night out at the bar. Turns out that the only reason they wanted to capture me was... well, let me explain.
Instead of taking me to the cop shop, as usual, they made a right-hand turn down to Curryland Media and got restricted access to the facility. They frog-marched me to the prez' office and sat me down. Then they left the room. Very strange.
So the guy says to me "look, CJ, you're wrecking us. More people tune into your Experience each week than our entire-"
I couldn't resist the opportunity, and replied "Not each week. Each post."
I'm surprised it didn't get him more pissed-off, but he continued. "You're obviously pretty keen to work here again, so we might as well properly renew you so you can work your magic again."
"So, I get a fourth season?" I asked.
"Well, yes. That, and I have to comply with Curryland law."
For those out of the loop, Curryland law states that if there is some kind of threat to security - whether reasonably harmless or cataclysmic creator - then they must, by law, be offered a job within the company they threaten. Don't ask me why. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well, by all means, I'm going to accept this job. I'll accept it in the morning, because right now I have the mother of all hangovers. Just got back from the bar, remember? I had to go out and celebrate somehow.
Time: 6:00 PM
Just getting ready to create my first legal blog in about five months. And man, does it feel good.
So, I'm back. And I'm bad. But first, I need to take a break. They'll give me a fourth season and hugely massive payrises but I have to take a holiday. Until I'm properly renewed, everything I get in trouble for is Curryland Media's responsibility (another dumb law... don't ask). So I'm going to Acapulco for a few weeks.
BYE! THANKS FOR READING! WILL BE BACK SOON WITH NINJAS AND PIRATES AND AEROPLANES AND ALL KINDS OF NEW AND EXCITING MATERIAL!