July 23, 2010

I am not a metaphor!

(rated M for Mature content: contains course language - specifically, language about my Science course)

Last time on the CJ Curry Experience: we jumped through a wormhole and ended up in 15th-century Russia, discovered edible chess, and found the answer to mankind's ultimate question of life: "Where the fuck do my socks go after I put them in the laundry?"

And coming up today: we show you how to make a radio out of a tin of ham and a blade of grass, get up close and personal with Ulysses, and give you ten tips on how to train your pet ghost.

THE CJ CURRY EXPERIENCE 61: FALSE ADVERTISING IS OUR GAME

I look here at my nice, shiny new desk, with a calendar featuring nothing but owls and a potplant that seems to be made of some kind of rubber. I can't help thinking "I prefer the HTML laboratory. That was more fun". Then I realise that the HTML tags sting like crazy, I sit down in my cushy desk chair (it's a swivel chair and it has wheels!) and I blog.

I'm back for a fourth season. As always, I'd better inform my new reader(s) about who I am, and what I do.

I'm CJ. University student, athlete, gamer, blogger, and part-time extortionist. You have come to the wrong place if you want sympathy, advice, or a cookie. However, I will deal out free hugs to those who are willing.

I am your age. I am your height. I am your weight. I am your shoe size. I am my hat size. I have your IQ. I have at least two gadgets on my person at all times. I collect owls. I collect games. I collect DVDs. I collect mathematical texts.

I like communicating in cryptic messages. I dislike long walks on the beach at sunset (although I love long walks on the beach at night time). I am a jack of all trades, master of none; though that's never stopped me before.

From the start, my aim has been to entertain, fascinate, intrigue and to piss you off. My motive has changed: I no longer want to fascinate. Instead, I want to jump in your lake and feed on your crocodiles. They're quite tasty.

Don't be surprised if you see a spontaneous aeroplane.

I just came back from being a fugitive. It was a lot of fun, but I think I've had enough for one year. The only good thing, apart from the thrill of being chased, was the Cat5e cables. They taste delicious in the first half of the year. Then come winter, they lose the crispy crunch that they once had. I stuck to eating packets of data for most of the second half of last year. Try them! (The CJ Curry Experience: now a diet consultant.)

Anyway, I've made a new contact since I've been back. Here is a report on the World Cup, with some assistance from my good friend Paul The Octopus.

Algeria, Argentina, Australia, Brazil, Cameroon, Chile, Côte d'Ivoire, Denmark, England, France, Germany, Ghana, Greece, Holland, Honduras, Italy, Japan, Mexico, New Zealand, Nigeria, North Korea, Paraguay, Portugal, Serbia, Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa, South Korea, Switzerland, United States and Uruguay all lost. Spain won. Bloop.

I'd better leave you to it.

Next time on the CJ Curry Experience: we take a trip through the Soviet Amazon and watch the sun rise over a ballpoint pen. Don't miss out!

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